The Diet Wagon

I am known for my honesty. Here especially. I tell it like it is and I own my shit. So here’s a dose of reality and shit-owning….

There was a wagon fall…. Last night…

In fact I started to lean precariously over the edge of that said wagon by mid afternoon yesterday. I’m not sure what the trigger was, not sure that it even matters but what I do know is it started with the desire for chips – hot salty chips – my greatest weakness.

And I came close. So close in fact just a mere 25m to the driveway in fulfilling that desire only to back out at the last minute – I was proud. Real proud. I think I even high-fived myself …. Yep, seriously I did!

But then ….

THEN my mouth fell into a pile of Smarties. There’s no other explanation as to how they got there. Worst of all I don’t even like Smarties.

And then it was caught chewing on the leftover sausage roll that was covered in sauce. I’m partial to savoury pastries but I don’t even like sausage rolls.

And then. And then AND THEN……. I found a pile of salt & vinegar chips in my hand which were on a conveyor belt to my mouth. Again, I’m not even a fan of these!

Seriously?! Why?!

Now instead of fulfilling the actual craving I had yesterday I went and consumed 3 times the crap! 3 times the things I don’t love, that I hardly even like and certainly never crave.

Ok, so whats the damage? Well I’ve gained a little and I am actually feeling a little shocked seeing as I have been doing so well. I have also set myself back a few days which means I will not reach my goal of 68kg tomorrow. Which, of course, then snowballs and effects my goals for the following week, and the week after etc, etc.

I tried to talk to my husband about it but that was after I had almost bitten his head off when he cocked his head to the side and asked, while I was eating a minuscule piece of pepperoni, how my diet was going? Really dangerous territory! In fact if I wasn’t so concerned about additional calories his head would have been seriously fucked up!

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Anyway my conversation with him about stuffing up yesterday went a little like this:

“So, I was craving hot chips … And then … And then I didn’t do it…” **insert*unregognisable blubbering** “I just drove on past… And then I slipped over … And then there was these smarties in my mouth ….” **insert**laughing-slash-crying-slash-blubbering-slash-indecipherable** He just sat there bewildered. No idea what the hell I was talking about and he just couldn’t get his head around the smarties comment. He totally didn’t get it. Fair enough I suppose and hey I think it’s almost THAT time of the month  though I’m not going to tell him that!

As a result of my fall yesterday my wagons parked up today. I am neither off it nor on it. I am confused by it and angry with it. Slightly disappointed in it and working on the courage to get back on it. I haven’t given up. I’ve eaten well today – bar that slice of pepperoni – I’ve been for a walk and then I went for a jog (or a faster walk by other definitions) and I plan on having a small protein and salad meal for dinner.

This wasn’t an epic fail but it was still a try hard fail. I’m not looking forward to the ‘numbers’ tomorrow and yes I know I should just not weigh myself – but I know I will. It’s a force greater than me sometimes – the pull to know if I am getting closer to or further from my ‘ideal weight’.

Hope your wagon journeys are safe and on a flat surface – leave the bumpy shit to me! I’ll be back!

One love,

DRK xxx

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Day 12 – It’s Happening …. Clickedy, Click

Have you ever read articles on weight loss where people say something along the lines of “it just clicked” – cut to the amazing before and after shots???

Well I have … heaps and heaps and heaps and it annoys the crapola out of me! It’s so frustrating when you’re a dietaholic, like me, and you hear that there was this miraculous ‘click’ for other people who have struggled with their weight too yet for some reason you haven’t heard it, felt it, seen it or touched it for yourself. And I’ve waited, trust me, I have waited AND waited for this clicking shit to happen.

I wonder when they say it do they mean that it was a definitive click that just materialised out of thin air and then they were cured? Or was it a series of clicks because these before and after photos are deceiving to a visual person like me. To me it looks as though one day they woke up overweight, then something clicked and the next morning they were slim! That. Does. My. Fucking. Head. In!!!!

BUT ……

Of course there is a but ….. Isn’t there always?!

I’ve notice changes in the last 12 days. Changes other than the 4.5kg loss (yes I’m bragging). Nice little changes that may be ever so subtle clicks. Like the rarely-there cravings for chocolate and my ability to talk the odd one out of eventuating. Or the teeny little slip-up that stays a teeny little slip-up and doesn’t turn into a guilt induced oh-well-I-fucked-it binge. I am drinking lots of water – in fact, I am craving it. I am finding the word ‘no’ rolls off my tongue easier and I don’t feel completely deprived when I say it.

It’s kinda awesome. It kinda feels like the beginning of something bigger for me and maybe my problem all along was that I was ‘waiting’ for the click when I should have gone out and activated the fucker myself!

Have you heard the click? Are you one of those who has an awesome ‘before’ & ‘after’?

I want to have awesome ‘b&a’ photos – just for me 🙂

One love

DRK xxx

 

 

Conscious Eating

When you are dieting everything that goes in your mouth becomes blindingly obvious. It becomes a conscious decision, a choice, an option and for someone like me it’s all or nothing…..

I cannot lick my fingers after spreading the kids Nutella. I cannot pinch just one chip on takeaway night. I cannot take a bite of a pizza when it’s GYO which when translated means: get your own damn dinner….

No I cannot do those things while dieting because then I would unleash the beast! The beast who would then sit down and eat the whole damn thing. The pizza, the salty chips and the jar of Nutella. Ok, probs not the whole jar but I wouldn’t find satisfaction in just a smidge licked off my finger tip!

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So my other option is to deny myself of all of these things permanently while dieting and if any of those substances are to touch my fingertips I violently wash them away before they end up in my mouth!

Here’s a thought …. Why on earth can’t I have a problem eating too much celery or kale or baby spinach?! Hmmph? Why?!

So before conscious eating, aka dieting, I’d shove food in not caring to stop and enjoy the tastes evolving in my mouth. Kinda like Cookie Monster except the food would actually go in my mouth, down my throat only to finally settle itself in my arse or belly or chin – chin two that is. I inhale food because I am always in a rush but also because I feel guilty to be consuming calories, empty calories. I’m not a binge eater or someone who eats shitloads but I do have a problem with being satisfied with small amounts – so it goes past being hungry and into something more – of which I’m not sure.

Now, though, I savour every bite. Cut, bite, fork down, chew, savour, swallow. Cut, bite, fork down, chew, savour, swallow. Repeat. There is no longer inhalation of food. The pull is still there, the desire is too but my willpower or whatever the fuck it is – leverage I think I called it last time – is greater…. At the moment and its a welcome relief!

Some people are happy with just one chocolate square while dieting … I. Am. Not. One. Of. Those. People! So it’s none for me. Nil. Zero. Zilch. Unsustainable I hear you say, yep I guess that’s part of my problem!!

One love,
DRK xxx

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The Magic 6

I did it! My first major goal on Day 9 (yesterday) of my weightloss journey to get back into the 60’s. I’m only just BUT most importantly I am there and that is freaking awesome!! I felt a shift in my hunger yesterday also and my muscle weakness was relatively minor. It could have been psychosomatic but I was feeling better even before I stepped on the scales.

I packed my meals (and hubbies too) for the trip and our two days away so even if my weight goes back up today from last nights dinner – which was the most amazing food I’ve ever tasted by the way but I’m not sure if that’s because it sent my tastebuds into overdrive after them being sent on holidays for the past week or because it actually was the most amazing food ever! Who cares really I tots enjoyed it, every little mouthful!

So I’m confident (not a phrase I use often) that with my packed meals I have done my absolute best to keep any gain as low as possible. But I will be skipping the scales for a few days just to give myself time to readjust some grams and reduce the risk of the perfection bat coming out and whacking me one!

My advice for other dieters out there: goals should be broken down into baby steps and each milestone should be celebrated – and not with food! I celebrated my first of many goals – a double whammy actually – of getting out of the 70’s and making it through one week and I celebrated by spending the day with my friend in hospital. She felt lucky to have a visitor but I felt luckier to be with a woman whom I love and admire who encourages me and inspires me and who has strength galore! I love the shit out of her!!

Next goal, next baby step is to be back under 70 -this is assuming I’m over – in 3 days time when I weigh in next. Anything more is a bonus!! How are you going? Got those goals in sight?? More importantly, are you being kind to yourself if something’s got in the way and you’ve fallen off the wagon??? Well don’t worry about the fucken wagon jump on the horse and get your arse to goal anyway you can – with your head held high coz you’re doing this!!!

One love
DRK xxx

Week One is OVER!

Yesterday was the last day of my first week on this diet….

And I survived!

I survived through a birthday celebration that made me feel sad. I survived through our one takeaway night each week. I survived through all the afternoon teas the kids had, the yummy smell of toast cooking in the morning, the amazing looking wedges of Saltdish that my friend ate in front of me, the daily coffees I missed and yesterday, finally, the luncheon with my Mumma Bear and Godmumma.

It proves to me that I can overcome the emotional eating, the habitual eating, the social eating and the oh-my-God-they-look-amazing eating. I survived all of those! I can also say “no” to people offering me food without being struck by lightning. Amaze-balls!!

This new week, week two, brings a new set of challenges. The traveling-and-away-from-home challenge as well as my sons 2nd birthday must-eat-cake challenge. The diet I am on is quite strict and any slight variations or deviations will stop the daily weightloss (need I remind you of the fucking almonds). So being on the road and away from home, Tuesday and Wednesday may be challenging but here’s the plan…. Not perfect but life isn’t….

I am going to make my meals for both lunches that I will be away for. I will pack my protein snacks for my mid morning and arvo teas and I will share a normal dinner with my Aunty and family. I will say no to wine. I will not kick my own arse when I weigh in heavier and I will just get back to the plan.

Day 5 – I’m still at it

Day 5 is almost over and I did promise you that I wouldn’t turn this into a weightloss blog but how about we hang out til my first week is up – it’s kinda helping knowing that I am reporting in.

Then I’ll do weekly updates from there on in and once I’m brave enough – I’ll post photos!!!

Here’s the G.O ….

I woke up starving this morning … Again. I had muscle weakness (sounds pathetic I know but I seriously couldn’t hang out my washing or dry my hair) and I was nauseous BUT it didn’t last all day – which is a big YAY from me! So it turns out I’m less of a starvin’-marvin and more of a content-kent today which is a nice change. I’m almost a week through and over a third of my way to goal already – I think – I’m not to bright when it comes to mathematics. I know it’ll fall off more slowly from now on and the rest of the of the chubba-woombah woman that is me will take longer to fuck off but I’m ok with that. Me in skinny jeans – it won’t happen overnight but it will happen!

What I know for sure with dieting is you need to have leverage. There really is no miracle pill or diet but once you have leverage most diets will work. The first time I had a shitload of leverage was after I had my fifth child and was going to P!NK’s concert soon after. Now most people know my love for P!NK so the possibility, however slim, of meeting her, which I didn’t, was enough motivation for me to lose 9kgs and get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I was pretty stoked that 16 weeks after D was born I was back to “normal” – which, of course, was a weight I was never happy with before D.

Then over the next 6 months, some health issues and a back injury I gained those 9kgs back plus a couple more. I can tell you with absolute honesty now though that I will be so grateful for my healthy slimmer body when I get back to that “normal” weight.

So what’s my leverage now? A girls trip to Melbourne in May! I don’t fit into my clothes, especially my jeans, and I refuse to buy a whole new wardrobe of a bigger size or two – but I’m totally ok to buy a whole new wardrobe when I get to my new slimmer self! I also have a goal dress that I wore 4 years ago – once – that I plan to wear to my birthday in June no matter how cold the weather is. Looking at it now I can’t imagine (although I’m also trying the visualization/manifesting techniques) that I ever even fit into it but I did and I have the photos to prove it. Well I actually have a photo of my back end in the dress courtesy of my husband who snuck a photo opportunity when I wasn’t looking and a top half photo of me and my hubbie who looks drunk but he wasn’t coz he doesn’t drink much, ever.

So there you have it. I’m feeling better, I’m still focused and my leverage is a four hour flight with good friends to a city best known for its art, food and shopping (unless you’re into horse racing then I guess The Melbourne Cup would be up there too).

Here’s the maths – 3.6 down 5.5 to go… Victory is on the horizon!

One love,
DRK xxx

Day 3 – Sucks Less

I’ve just returned from a birthday party.

But it wasn’t the type with streamers or candles.

My greatest challenge of the night wasn’t avoiding the party food or the birthday cake it was, in fact, holding myself together. Holding myself together because looking around the room I saw 8 out of the 10 smiling guests either have had cancer or have been directly touched by cancer. The guest of honour himself has been given 12 months to live. If it’s a good year.

This makes my hunger, detoxing pains suck less. Suck less because they are inferior to the reality. They suck less because I am choosing to be hungry. Choosing to because I want to feel better, to be happier, to be healthier, to live longer. Today sucks less because I have the choice, still, to create my future.

So day three is done and dusted.

Today on day three I am grateful.

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One love

DRK xxx