Living With Regrets

We’re not supposed to have regrets or at least we shouldn’t admit to having them. “No regrets” is the life motto of so many and it’s honourable. Admirable. Dare I say it – inspirational?! But I’m all about being different and real so let me do those two things for you for a second here…

Do I have regrets?

Hell to the yes I fucking do!

I regret wasting 20 years of my life hating my body. Not swimming because of my body. Missing good times and parties because of my body. Not allowing myself to talk to that super funny chick and making a new friend because of my body. My hideous, unlikable body – I regret feeling that way about myself for so long.

I regret not being a better sister. I really fucking do. My brother was dying and I was thinking of myself, constantly. I really regret that selfish phase of my life and I’m sure he is ok up there with it all but I missed out on more memories because of my selfishness. And there I go being selfish again – but that I don’t regret.

I totally really regret sleeping with so many boys as a youngster. Yes, I would call myself a slut – but hey had I been a boy I would have been a total stud. I regret it because they mostly treated me like shit and I regret so badly that I didn’t stand up to them and tell them not to treat a desperate, low self-esteemed girl like that. Warn them that one day they would have daughters of their own and most of them do which makes me laugh like a super-villian-evil-bitch. I would warn them that it would kill them to see their insecure child being treated like a piece of meat. I regret not mastering that super-attitude-finger-waving-head-tilting thing that women do. I regret not having enough self worth to treat myself better and to tell those boys to go fuck themselves. I don’t look back at those times and think to myself “Yeah, that sure was fun!” Honestly I cringe and I think how desperate and ugly I felt back then – it wasn’t fun at all.

I have spent twenty plus years, regretfully wasting my precious life on being something or someone that I thought would please others yet I hated everything about the wannabe that was me. Always seeking external gratification, external recognition, external la-di-fucking-da’s. I wish I had been taught at a much younger age that all of those things were inside me all along.

Over those two decades I’ve shed a few of the try-hard-qualities as I have grown, lived and learned (eventually) but it’s been the last three years where I’ve picked up the speed on that shedding and all those things I thought I had to be or couldn’t be no longer exist or matter as of today in my dirty thirties. It is liberating and soul freeing. I’ve un-become so I can be exactly who I am. And my regrets aren’t filled with anger or sadness they are simply regrets. Which is my point. That it is ok to have regrets. The point is not to dwell on them. The point is to learn from them and the most monumental point is to embrace them as part of your life story. I wouldn’t have, be or understand life as I do now if I didn’t do all those shitty things I regret.

What’s most important of all is that you stop being somebody else and be yourself instead! Become you because you are living a life nobody else can. You are in control and all the choices are yours for your present and future. Sometimes the past sucks big hairy sweaty balls and those things sure do taste like shit but RIGHT NOW you are in a completely different moment and you get to CHOOSE whatever it is you want. Happiness. Gratitude. Weirdness. Whatever. Open those big fucking eyes of yours and look in that mirror. You don’t have to make love to yourself to love yourself but you can if you want. You don’t have to tell the whole world how a-fucking-mazing you are. You don’t have to do a single damn thing to live with your regrets. You just live. You just choose to live as you. Which is not always easy but shake off the shit you’ve pretended to be for so long and just be you.

Now go. Go and live in the present moment, which will soon be your past, and live it as YOU. Because, trust me, when you actually make decisions in life based on being you they can’t become regrets. They are instead whoopsies. When you make moves in life, as you, and you are being real and honest with yourself any fuck-ups simply become good memories… Eventually … One day … And you will laugh about them because you will know you were just being yourself. Your adorable, imperfect self.

One love

DRK xxx

Puppeteers, Tennis and My Dirty Red Knickers

I am a Superwoman whose defined herself by her past. Whether its by guilt or by shame I’m a complex form of webs and lines that I’ve tangled into a knot. I have moments of enlightenment and peace where I can say I’ve forgiven myself, that I have moved on and have accepted that version of me. Sometimes I will find myself saying, out loud, that I’m ok with all the highly stupid things I did, with the crazy often dangerous choices I made but deep down I’m really saying “Are you serious? Get yourself a tissue you’re dribbling shit all over the place!” Just because I say it doesn’t mean I believe it – I’m still in the trying-to-convince-myself phase.

Being from a relatively small city first impressions can last a lifetime. It can feel like it is holding you back from moving on with the rest of your life, like you’ve been strung up like a puppet where those people who only remember the ‘you‘ from the past become your puppeteers. In fact it’s like a game of tennis but it’s always 40-love – they’re winning… It begins when they hit the ball filled with judgments and assumptions, it’s coming directly for you so your reaction is immediate and your inner warrior and defense mechanisms are activated. You swing and you hit the ball back as mighty as you can …. And so the game begins and then continues until someone puts the racket down and walks away …. There have been many times when I’ve made the decision to stop playing. Where I’ve put it down and walked away. But damn if that game is not addictive!

Realistically though the only game being played is a guilt game… With myself. One where I am convinced that they actually have a valid point of view and that their opinion of the naughty selfish girl from the past still exists. In all honesty it’s none of my business what they think, if they think that at all. I can’t say sorry to the world for the rest of my life for being a rebellious teenager. It really is a ridiculous game I’ve been playing for such a long time. The decisions I made back then essentially made me who I am today – that I am grateful for not embarrassed about.

My biggest regrets lie in not being a better sister and for not telling my brother I loved him before he died – but then love isn’t a word it’s a feeling and no matter what beliefs I have in the afterlife or heaven and earth I know without any doubt that he would of felt my love. He would known that even though it was unsaid my love was there. It always was, it always will be.

I am a Superwoman but I bleed all the same. My heart hurts and I have made many mistakes. But being a Superwoman means you’ve had to experience the bad to truly understand and be grateful for the good. You’ve had to rip your cape a few times on the fall from grace but it’s nothing a needle and thread won’t fix. And so another journey of self forgiveness enters my life and I’m going to hitch my dirty red knickers up a little higher and a little prouder! Damn it’s like dental floss in there but I’m proud of where I came from and who I’ve become and so should all of you!

One love,
DRK xxx