The Definition of Anxiety

Anxiety.

It’s not a medical illness nor a physical disability but it can feel deathly sickening and is often physically as well as mentally disabling.

Anxiety can stop you from doing normal things. It rides you and keeps you scared. It is fear on steroids. It tingles your insides but not in a good way. It makes your heart feel as if it is about to exlode from your chest and run away with the 20 cans of Red Bull that it feels like it has drunk.

Anxiety is not always obvious to outsiders. It’s not often a physical attritubte you can see with your own eyes. It doesn’t advertise itself on a billboard across your forehead. Anxiety is hidden within. Sometimes very well so.

Anxiety is a series of deep breaths, a lot of inner talking … Stay calm, deep breath, you’re ok. But anxiety usually yells louder … You’re going to fuck up, you’re not worthy, everyone is looking at you.

Anxiety causes you to over analyse situations, to obsess over the worst possible scenarios and can lead to compulsive behaviours.

Anxiety can feel like a heart attack. Then the anxiety increases because you begin thinking you are actually having a heart attack.

“Calm down.” These are not two words that will cure anxiety. Don’t say it to an anxious person. “Don’t worry. Be happy.” Another four words that will not cure anxiety.

Anxiety feels heavy and attacking. Heavy enough to weigh you down and brutal enough to make you feel like all of the nonense it tells you is true.

Anxiety lies to you. About everything. Anxiety is not a friend you want in your corner. Anxiety will not alter your future for the better but it will alter your present for the worse.

Breathing helps. Deep breathing. In 2, 3, 4 and out 2, 3, 4. In 2, 3, 4 and out 2, 3, 4.

Move. Fast. Controlled. Deliberate. Then breathe. In 2, 3, 4 and out 2, 3, 4. In 2, 3, 4 and out 2, 3, 4.

Speak. To someone you trust. A professional. A friend. And then breathe. In 2, 3, 4 and out 2, 3, 4. In 2, 3, 4 and out 2, 3, 4.

Courage is not the first step. The first step is courageous. 

One love,

DRK xxx

If you or a loved one is experiencing severe anxiety or depression get help! Talk to someone you trust or find a professional who can help you.

Call Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636

Heartless. Thinker.

When you’re a thinker, like me, you are also a forgetter. You have so much thinking going on in your brain you can’t remember the thoughts of moments before. You are always starting “afresh” with a clear purpose so lying around the house are plenty of journals, notebooks and files with clearly stated goals and how to achieve them, to do lists, to don’t lists but then you turn the pages and there’s nothing else written. Maybe a little doodling – those unmanifested thoughts – possibly some Day 1 dieting and exercise information all written with good intentions. Being a thinker means you can think about your hated weight all day long while still thinking about the worries of your children, what they’ll grow up to be, what the hell is for dinner, whether to go left or right at the intersection, if your friend is really doing okay and what you’d write a novel about if you had time.

Being a thinker like me means you don’t live in your heart. And when you do “go there” it’s for other people’s journeys, their pains, hardly ever for yourself and when you do it’s because you have “thought” your way there. Being a thinker like me means you can cry deeply when your friends are in any type of emotional pain, rarely for our own. You talk about it but you don’t feel it. Sure you can still cry after an argument. You can hyperventilate to a friend about something that fucked you off. You can sob when you watch a sad movie whether it’s a true one or not but still your own story is emotionless. It’s “just a story” that you put on repeat.

When you are a thinker you forget to breath because breathing would cause you to relax. Breathing brings an opportunity from the neck down to open up. Opening up scares you. Opening up means you have to feel real stuff and feeling real stuff is scary. What if feeling real stuff means you lose it and never regain consciousness, hell worse still you become completely conscious and everything you’ve known life to be changes. What if those changes aren’t what you thought they would be.

Being a thinker means this post is just thoughts. It’s talking about feelings but not feeling those feelings. Being a thinker means feeling those feelings is rare.

One Love
DRK xxx

Polony Brain

We’ve discussed the fact that I am an over-sharer in a previous post and it is something I have been working on since – sometimes quite successfully too…. But in the process I’ve also realised that I am an over-thinker or maybe just plain paranoid! Being an over-thinker leads to so much under-doing, which leads to nowhere really fast. I asked Dr Google to research over-thinking and one thing I found – which was enlightening – was this ….

“They are experts at misinterpreting what people are saying and if there is a way to have their feelings hurt, they’ll find it. Even go looking for it. Not only do they have a history of almost doing things but more often than not they are obsessive, compulsive with perfectionistic tendencies. They worry too much. About nearly everything. They are people-pleasers who want change (different) but the change process scares them. They don’t need other people to sabotage their dreams or goals, they can do that all by themselves. They are highly skilled in the art of self-sabotage and if anyone will get in their way, it’s them. They are… the Over-Thinker.”

(from http://www.lifehack.org/articles/productivity/how-to-stop-being-an-over-thinker.html)

And one of the tips for helping an over-thinker is to have a sounding board, to stop rationalising and just be honest… So if I am really honest with you all I would tell you that there’s not much time in my day that I am not thinking about things and then rethinking them, over and over again. I can (and I will) dissect each thought piece by piece until it resembles the factory floor where polony is born. My thoughts then become a montage of wildly different things, altering the original thought into billions of different scenarios and stories – some of which would make fabulous novels! I can turn something that was really simple into something completely perplexing within just a few seconds and this is why I could actually never be a novelist – because my brain has the story all done and dusted before my hand could even put pen to paper.

Let me share with you an extreme example … I can be driving along, cruising on the speed limit when a car decides to perch itself up my butt and instead of thinking ‘What a dickhead’ I start thinking ‘Oh he looks like he’s in a hurry I wonder if I should speed up… Yeah I’ll speed up maybe his kid has been rushed to hospital… Oh but if I speed up I’ll be over the speed limit and I might get a ticket… Oh and if I get a ticket I am going to have to tell my husband…And if I tell my husband that means I’ll have more speeding tickets then him…Oh but this guys kid really needs him I better get a move on or pull over…’ Yep, I’m dead-set serious here! And in the meantime I’ve also turned all the segments of those thoughts into stories too … I’d love to go into them with you but that would be a serious case of over-sharing! This crazy over-thinking can go on and on and it only stops when I am interrupted by one of my brat pack – one of the blessings of hardly ever driving alone I guess!

Being an over-thinker also makes me a worry wart. It makes me a WCSF (worst case scenario freak). It makes me so damn annoying to myself that I am always consciously trying to find a mute button! I analyse everything with a fine tooth nit comb, you can’t get much finer! Always on my mind is; what if this happens? Or this? Or that? Then I analyse those too pieces. Another little example I am willing to share with you is if I hear a noise at night time when my husband is at work. It couldn’t possibly be just the old house creaking… No way!! Before I know it I have turned the teeniest tiniest of noises into the biggest, scariest scenarios that anyone could possibly ever imagine (even Lee Childs). I’m laying in bed frozen solid in panic, my phone ready in my hand with triple 0 already entered and just waiting for ‘call’ to be pressed. My heart is pounding so loud that I think even the Devil can hear me, I’m hardly breathing and my eyes are wide open like saucepans waiting for the shadow of footsteps to reach my doorway … And then the toilet flushes … Yep just one of the kids going to the toilet! Who knew that shit could be so scary!

I so often try to do the ‘follow your gut’ thing but then I go ahead and cut, copy and paste it so much that by the time I’m done with it my gut feeling now resembles a ransom note – you know the type that are painstakingly created with letters cut out from all different articles from your favourite magazine. So what was my initial gut feeling? Huh?I can never remember.

It makes me want to be the kind of person who doesn’t think at all. The type of person who only has white noise in their heads and that vague look in their eyes … In fact those kind of people were probably once just like me and have been signed over to the state and put on some serious brain-numbing meds!!! Oh well, one day when they invent something that can read minds and record them then I think I will have quite a few best sellers in there, the stories I tell myself are always engaging and the left and right sides of my brain are clearly never bored…

Over-thinking is funny … I’m not crazy! Really I’m not!

One love

DRK xxx