Losing a Sh!t Load of Weight

I recently blogged about “passengers in the bus” or #voicesinmyhead that I have slowly but surely started to drown out. I got tired of hearing their daily hourly fat, ugly taunts and I finally got the courage up to just drive that bus, #myself, toward my destination warning those demons (or as I affectionately call them, fucktards) along the way that if they didn’t shut up they would be booted out at #itsnotmeitsdefinitelyyou and #hellwasbacktherefucktards. Surprisingly my firm tone of voice, my confidence in my decisions and my ability to ignore them most of all has actually started working. They have been relatively quieter lately and I can see my journey ahead, my headspace is becoming a lot more peaceful. A lot happier. A hell of a lot more satisfied with me, as I am, right now!

With those demons sitting a little quieter on the bus things have obviously changed for me. The major thing is my scales no longer dictate my day. They don’t tell me to be happy or sad. That I am a good or unworthy person and they certainly don’t say if I am a success or a failure in this world. I’ve also been given the freedom of food. I can now eat what I want, when I want and however much of it I want to eat without feeling guilty. Without beating myself up and claiming to the world what an awful person I must be. The emotionally painful connection I have with food has almost completely ceased and so instead of eating and eating and eating to feed my demons, to satisfy their negative judgements on me and to starve myself of acceptance and love I now eat when I’m hungry.

In the mornings I wake up starving and my belly grumbles louder than my head ever did. So I eat. My favourite for the past month has been honey on toast. Ok, more so, it’s butter on toast with a small drizzle of honey…. Ok, ok it is actually just butter with a small serve of toast and an even smaller drizzle of honey! But I eat it lovingly and I enjoy it deeply and I don’t feel bad about it … at all! The other night my husband took me out for dinner. It was a surprise dinner. An early birthday present. I ate three courses. Yes, an entree, a main AND sweets – unheard of normally in my world! I didn’t finish every bite but I ordered and I ate each course til I felt satisfied. My demons didn’t say a word. This is a huge deal for me! I eat salad, I eat rice, I eat lean protein, I eat pasta. I eat a balanced diet and I am not stick thin or at the gym working my arse off and I am totally ok with it because there is so much more to me than what size I am. There is so much I have to give to this world and it has nothing to do with the number on the scales, a long awaited/yearned for flat stomach, a bullet repellant arse or a body that other women are secretly jealous of. My calling is much deeper than that. My health starts with my mind.

I weighed myself the other day, for the first time in ages, this is also a huge deal for me – I was a ‘three times a day’ weigher once upon a very short time ago!! With all this eating and enjoying I have been doing I was surprised to see I haven’t put on any weight, in fact I’ve lost a couple of Kay Gees. But I really, honestly, don’t care because the greatest loss I have made is the huge weight, crazy huge burden that I have been carrying on my shoulders. The pressure. The judgement. The harsh critic. The meanness. The constant battery of thy mirror self. I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to look like the women in the magazines. I don’t have to look like my neighbour, my best friend, my frenemy. I can just be. I choose to just be. I choose to eat to survive. Eat to enjoy. Eat to live. I chose to wear what makes me happy. Wear my size, proudly, confidently, whatever size that is and you never know from one brand to the next! I can wear whatever I damn well please including a bathing suit when the sun starts shining warmth again. I can smile with happiness. Smile with confidence. Smile because I know who I am and I don’t have to struggle to be someone I’m not. My head sits high on my shoulders. My happy, smiley head.

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I now know that chasing the better version of yourself doesn’t always have to mean being buff, being skinny, being thinner than what you are. That’s a sales tool that is used in the fitness and health industry – and that’s ok. For some. Not for all of us. Being the better version of yourself is being happy with who you are … Right Now! Because every day that you are living and breathing is a bloody successful day! Every day you get to learn something new about yourself and your body. It’s functions, capabilities, it’s fucken awesomeness! Every day you can choose happiness and acceptance over those fucktardish demons. Body love, body acceptance, body embracing is a choice, every day, all day. This is the best version of yourself. Body hating, body judging, body shaming should be left on the bus, sitting quietly, in time out until they learn the value of love and acceptance.

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Now give your body a hug! It works hard to take you through each day – especially if you treat it as badly as I have treated mine over the last two decades! Speak kindly to yourself because you are listening!

One love

DRK xxx

The Diet Wagon

I am known for my honesty. Here especially. I tell it like it is and I own my shit. So here’s a dose of reality and shit-owning….

There was a wagon fall…. Last night…

In fact I started to lean precariously over the edge of that said wagon by mid afternoon yesterday. I’m not sure what the trigger was, not sure that it even matters but what I do know is it started with the desire for chips – hot salty chips – my greatest weakness.

And I came close. So close in fact just a mere 25m to the driveway in fulfilling that desire only to back out at the last minute – I was proud. Real proud. I think I even high-fived myself …. Yep, seriously I did!

But then ….

THEN my mouth fell into a pile of Smarties. There’s no other explanation as to how they got there. Worst of all I don’t even like Smarties.

And then it was caught chewing on the leftover sausage roll that was covered in sauce. I’m partial to savoury pastries but I don’t even like sausage rolls.

And then. And then AND THEN……. I found a pile of salt & vinegar chips in my hand which were on a conveyor belt to my mouth. Again, I’m not even a fan of these!

Seriously?! Why?!

Now instead of fulfilling the actual craving I had yesterday I went and consumed 3 times the crap! 3 times the things I don’t love, that I hardly even like and certainly never crave.

Ok, so whats the damage? Well I’ve gained a little and I am actually feeling a little shocked seeing as I have been doing so well. I have also set myself back a few days which means I will not reach my goal of 68kg tomorrow. Which, of course, then snowballs and effects my goals for the following week, and the week after etc, etc.

I tried to talk to my husband about it but that was after I had almost bitten his head off when he cocked his head to the side and asked, while I was eating a minuscule piece of pepperoni, how my diet was going? Really dangerous territory! In fact if I wasn’t so concerned about additional calories his head would have been seriously fucked up!

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Anyway my conversation with him about stuffing up yesterday went a little like this:

“So, I was craving hot chips … And then … And then I didn’t do it…” **insert*unregognisable blubbering** “I just drove on past… And then I slipped over … And then there was these smarties in my mouth ….” **insert**laughing-slash-crying-slash-blubbering-slash-indecipherable** He just sat there bewildered. No idea what the hell I was talking about and he just couldn’t get his head around the smarties comment. He totally didn’t get it. Fair enough I suppose and hey I think it’s almost THAT time of the month  though I’m not going to tell him that!

As a result of my fall yesterday my wagons parked up today. I am neither off it nor on it. I am confused by it and angry with it. Slightly disappointed in it and working on the courage to get back on it. I haven’t given up. I’ve eaten well today – bar that slice of pepperoni – I’ve been for a walk and then I went for a jog (or a faster walk by other definitions) and I plan on having a small protein and salad meal for dinner.

This wasn’t an epic fail but it was still a try hard fail. I’m not looking forward to the ‘numbers’ tomorrow and yes I know I should just not weigh myself – but I know I will. It’s a force greater than me sometimes – the pull to know if I am getting closer to or further from my ‘ideal weight’.

Hope your wagon journeys are safe and on a flat surface – leave the bumpy shit to me! I’ll be back!

One love,

DRK xxx

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Day 12 – It’s Happening …. Clickedy, Click

Have you ever read articles on weight loss where people say something along the lines of “it just clicked” – cut to the amazing before and after shots???

Well I have … heaps and heaps and heaps and it annoys the crapola out of me! It’s so frustrating when you’re a dietaholic, like me, and you hear that there was this miraculous ‘click’ for other people who have struggled with their weight too yet for some reason you haven’t heard it, felt it, seen it or touched it for yourself. And I’ve waited, trust me, I have waited AND waited for this clicking shit to happen.

I wonder when they say it do they mean that it was a definitive click that just materialised out of thin air and then they were cured? Or was it a series of clicks because these before and after photos are deceiving to a visual person like me. To me it looks as though one day they woke up overweight, then something clicked and the next morning they were slim! That. Does. My. Fucking. Head. In!!!!

BUT ……

Of course there is a but ….. Isn’t there always?!

I’ve notice changes in the last 12 days. Changes other than the 4.5kg loss (yes I’m bragging). Nice little changes that may be ever so subtle clicks. Like the rarely-there cravings for chocolate and my ability to talk the odd one out of eventuating. Or the teeny little slip-up that stays a teeny little slip-up and doesn’t turn into a guilt induced oh-well-I-fucked-it binge. I am drinking lots of water – in fact, I am craving it. I am finding the word ‘no’ rolls off my tongue easier and I don’t feel completely deprived when I say it.

It’s kinda awesome. It kinda feels like the beginning of something bigger for me and maybe my problem all along was that I was ‘waiting’ for the click when I should have gone out and activated the fucker myself!

Have you heard the click? Are you one of those who has an awesome ‘before’ & ‘after’?

I want to have awesome ‘b&a’ photos – just for me 🙂

One love

DRK xxx

 

 

Oops I Did it Again!

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When will I learn?! I have this terrible pattern and insane idea in my head which I generally think is new yet it leads down exactly the same pot-holed path as always. What did I do? Well I did the whole ‘I’m losing weight’ thing…. again (I can almost hear my Mums/BF’s eyes rolling from here).

You see I have this Gala event coming up that I have always wanted to go to but in my mind I had always envisioned myself getting ready for this event months in advance so I could lose weight, tone up and look amazing, oh and find the perfect dress – coz of course perfection exists. I wanted to transform like a celebrity who hasn’t been seen for awhile and then pops up on the Red Carpet all slim and different! Now I do know that I am not a celebrity no matter how many times I imagine having coffee with P!nk but I have always wanted to wow someone, anyone, with a little transformation of my own. SO when I got an invite to this ball and after I did my jaunty jig – a jaunty jig because I was so excited I almost peed myself, yes, pelvic floors, we are not friends – I realised I had 3 weeks to prepare. As in 21 days! So instantly my brain goes into overdrive! If I have envisioned myself at this ball looking better then ever for the past 8 years how am I going to achieve that within 21 days **insert Googling-like-mad here**. “Fastest way to lose weight in 21 days”; “Quickest weightloss in under 3 weeks”; “Can I survive on water for 21 days”…. Yes these are all things that I really and truly Googled and apparently I WILL be able to lose 10kg in 21 days by drinking water, cayenne pepper and maple syrup and … immmm … well…. that’s about it – oh and oxygen – I can still breathe oxygen! I may not be able to stand upright or to hold a conversation once I get to the night but hey I’ll look good right?!

And so I did. Yep I went out there I bought some lemons, cayenne pepper but I left out the maple syrup because surely I didn’t need those extra calories and yes my brain really does say that shit to me! I headed home that afternoon, with my next three weeks of supplies and all set for the ‘new me’ process to begin the very next day which, of course, meant I could finish off all the chocolate in the house prior to that happening…. C’mon I know you do it too!!

The morning arrived and I was all fired up – I even played the song – and yes Pat Benatar can make anyone fired up! I made my solution carefully converting the ounce measurements to litres though I may or may not have accidentally tripled the cayenne pepper by case of poor mathematics skills which meant every time I drank the concoction it would take my mouth a good half hour to quit burning (yep I was truly fired up!) The upside of too much cayenne pepper, yes there is one, is it makes you extra thirsty so you have to drink more, then it burns more, you get thirsty more, and well, just put that on repeat…. But…. Anyway I did it! 21 days and 10kgs gone! True as! Yep I really, really did! I am a completely transformed woman!!! I now have jutty out bones, no tits, and if theres more then 8 knots of wind (which includes my husbands force of flatulence) I fall over….. What? Why do you have that look on your face? You don’t seem to believe me?! Aarrggghhhh ok, ok I’m fucking lying! I lasted only 4. What? No, not days – 4 hours I mean!

The pivotal moment was when my friend came to visit me and I confided in her about my master plan. Her response? ……. Laughter! She text me later that day to say she had also received an invite and would need to lose 10kg in 21 days – I wanted to slap her because it sounded so ridiculous and then I realised she was mocking me. Bitch! Lucky I love her!

Now there are 16 days to go and still 10kgs to lose but you know what? I heard this awesome quote from a lady I am loving sick right now, Denise Duffield-Thomas … She said something along the lines of it doesn’t matter if paint a turd in gold and roll it in glitter its still shit and it stinks! The ‘looks’ thing that I involve myself in and the ‘ideal’ weight thing really is shit and it really does stinks! It does my bleached-blonde head in and if someone sits there judging me for my chubby arse and pregnant-with-an-oversized-donut-belly then I will paint them in gold and roll them into a glitter-covered turd.

As for me? Well, my road to body acceptance continues as does the burn in my mouth!

One Love

DRK xxxx

Why Can’t Mosquitos Suck Fat

Wouldn’t that be so much more beneficial if those little suckers sucked fat instead of blood?! It just makes so much more sense to me… Don’t you agree? It’s not a big ask, quite simple really to mess with the order of the universe. It’s like turning a vegan into a carnivore or a chicken into a piece of tofu. No biggie!

I’d even be happy for a couple (hundred) of itchy red lumps just so I could donate some tucker to some starving Mosquitos out there. A few bites and some deep, deep, long, deep, long sucks on my tummy, thighs and butt for that little mozzie so he can take some fat home to feed his family. Poor little guy. He’s a hardworking mozzie after all we should cut the guy some fat slack! It’s his job to bring home the human bacon! How will his kids be able to get a decent education if they can’t concentrate with their hungry bellies? …….

Ahhh I’d even forego the calamine lotion just to enjoy those little itchy bites……

And you see if I was truly Superwoman I would be able to use my superpowers to create a liposuction mosquito to design the amazing post baby body you see in the magazines… But isn’t it so heartbreaking to watch Superwomen being so absorbed in their bodies that they don’t appreciate the gift of life in their arms … Me included!

The pressure I feel to look a certain way after having my fifth child sometimes seems insurmountable! But once again I am busting this myth of “the weight just fell off” 3 days after giving birth! Why are we so competitive with each other? It’s not Superwoman versus Superwoman! It’s Superwoman versus The Villains and then beating the absolute shit out of those terrible villains who are out to destroy lives! Let’s stick together, we don’t need no fat sucking mosquito in our imaginary minds 🙂

One Love,
DRK xxx

I eat cardboard for breakfast

Yep! Its true! Each morning for the past two weeks I’ve been eating cardboard for breakfast! Not the regular shaped-like-a-box type of cardboard. Not even the cardboard that comes to your door delivered by Australia Post each week from an online purchase you’d forgotten you bought… I’m talking the kind of cardboard that is actually in the ceral aisle at the supermarkets. Its brown like cardboard, it swells up when mixed with liquid – like cardboard – and to be honest the flavour is bland like cardboard …. Not that I’ve tasted the real variety, honest I haven’t, but if I ever did I would expect cardboard to taste like this!

So its true. The cardboard that I have fallen in love with is All Bran! Weird right?! I love it for many reasons…. It really does make you ‘regular’, nobody else in my house will touch it with a ten-foot pole and I only need a little bit before I become totally bored with its lack-lustre flavour that my portion control is superb!

Which brings me to portion control…. Portion and control… Two words that are foreign to me when used in cahoots with each other. Seperately I am fine with each word – like ‘Portion’ – The bigger the portion the better. And ‘Control’ – I am in total control of not dripping that chocolate sauce from my spoon… That’s right huh?!

So why portion and control? Well, my husband and I have embarked on a weightloss journey together – he’s doing great, I am actually really proud of him. I’m doing OK but I could be doing better. Mind you, I am cooking every healthy meal for my hubbie while he is home. He does not have to lift a finger nor does he have to use any brain cells to even think about “what” to cook. And then when he goes away for a week someone else cooks for him so the hardest part for him is to simply pick the healthy choices. I on the other hand have five kids to run around after while he’s away. Five kids who want to eat like ALL THE TIME and five kids who do not love the kinds of foods that I am supposed to be eating… Yes, I am throwing a little pity party and quite possibly making excuses but its true. Even though I am Superwoman right?! So I should have some amazing superpowers huh?! I should be able to do anything I set my mind to, isn’t that what you’re thinking! Coz Superwomen are made up of lots of tough and strong-willed thing-a-me-bobs that ensures we are always in control?! Wrong!

I’m busting this clean red knickered myth! Superwomans hair of bouncing golden curls takes hours of bleaching and styling to perfect, her hair is actually poo-brown and frizzy. Her abs of steel come from years and years of yo-yo dieting and a whole lot of spanx in her wardrobe – yep she wears sucker-innerer Bridget Jones style underwear under those tights. And those super high cheekbones! Don’t even get me started on them! They are implants and a whole bucket load of illuminating cream ladies! Seriously! Myth busted!!!

One love ladies!

DRK xxx