Before & After – A Mental Transformation

Well this is going to be confronting & long. It’s going to be a case of personal oversharing including photos of me – yep, I’m totally freaking out here – but it has got to be said and it has got to be shared for clarification.

The photo on the right is me 4 years ago. Eating crap, exercising little (unless waddling is a recognised sport nowadays) and weighing the heaviest I have ever done in my entire life. Clearly I am also very pregnant, in fact I am 3 days overdue with my fifth devil spawn … and by devil spawn I mean my darling children. I was told during this pregnancy, around the halfway mark, by my doctor, that I was not to gain anymore weight. At that point in time I had only gained 5kg. By the time this photo was taken I had gained 10 in total. I’m such an over achiever … Actually thats a lie – I’ve never overachieved at anything. Let me tell you though that being told not to gain weight or even to consider losing some while pregnant by a professional really fucks with your head. Like really. Fucks. With. Your. Head.

The middle photo is of me at my slimmest – as an adult at least. Or as someone trying to be all adulty and stuff. This was me 6 months after giving birth to my fifth child and 6 weeks into a gruelling 500 calories a day supplement supported “detox”. I wasn’t allowed to exercise on this diet which is clear because there were no calories to spare. I cried many of those 42 days and would beat myself up when I ate an extra cracker or didn’t lose some gram of weight daily. Then at the end of all that, 10kg lighter, I still saw a fat, disfigured, heavy set woman. Although that is me smiling in the photo – posing even – in all honestly I had my daughter take at least 20 photos before I decided none of them were good enough to share and went into the bathroom to cry because I was just so fucking hideous. Which cracks me up now because I’d give my fifth child up (I’m kidding!) to look like that again but I wouldn’t ever want to go back to the way I felt emotionally and mentally at that moment in my life.

The photo on the left was taken 3 months ago. It’s a flattering photo of my current body & this is obvious to me because it’s the only full length photo I can find of myself recently. Which means that perhaps I don’t look like that in real life. Perhaps I am bigger and realistically I know I am. I know I am because I am pretty close to the weight I was in my pregnant photo. Yes the pregnant heifer on the right. The one who was warned to lose weight or face diabetes. I also know I am heavyset because categorically the BMI (or as I prefer to call it Bad Mother-fucking-mental-image Indicator) says I am either close to being obese or I’m too short for my weight.

BUT what it doesn’t tell you is that in the here and now I eat a well balanced diet including eating some form of crap once or twice a week because I love food that is sometimes not classified as “good” food. It doesn’t tell you that I’ve given up the torturous yo-yo dieting, self sabotaging and body hating. I no longer drink coffee because of the horrible reflux, the side-effect-city medication I took for it and the anxiety those little brown beans caused me. I seldom drink more than one or two glasses of alcohol a week, though if I do it’s more like 6 or 7 in one quick sitting as I’m a irregular try-hard party girl who prefers her jarmies, a good book and her bed. But most importantly what it doesn’t tell you is that I am mentally stronger than I have ever been in my entire I-feel-not-good-enough life.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not “cured” of this mental torture so many of us have and in all honesty I can say sometimes when I look in the mirror I don’t love what I see. Sometimes I look at photos and it looks as though I am smuggling food in my mouth. But I’m not. My cheeks are just chubbier than they once were which would have been cute 30-something years ago. What’s more confronting is that I know you guys see it too. You see the extra chin, the bigger belly, the fatter arms. And it’s there for all to see. I get it I see it too. But whats more important is what you don’t see. You don’t see the real difference between those three photos, those fragmented stages of my life. The difference that actually matters. And that is my mental state. My happiness.

I can now honestly say that 97% of my time is spent with me accepting my body. But don’t you dare confuse acceptance with defeat. I haven’t given up on my health. I am not “letting myself go”. My health is top of my priority list as I get to the halfway point of my life – assuming I live to 70-something. I don’t want to hear the “no excuses” tag line anymore because I do actually have them. I have a few of them. But I will not justify any of them to you because this is my body. My life. My mental state in question. My excuses. My reasons. My body. My life.

Mental health issues are torture. Be kind to others – you do not know their insides and if you did you would be a really valued member in the X-ray department. Stay focused… on yourself. Your own life. Your own happiness.

One love
DRK xxx

Oops I Did it Again!


When will I learn?! I have this terrible pattern and insane idea in my head which I generally think is new yet it leads down exactly the same pot-holed path as always. What did I do? Well I did the whole ‘I’m losing weight’ thing…. again (I can almost hear my Mums/BF’s eyes rolling from here).

You see I have this Gala event coming up that I have always wanted to go to but in my mind I had always envisioned myself getting ready for this event months in advance so I could lose weight, tone up and look amazing, oh and find the perfect dress – coz of course perfection exists. I wanted to transform like a celebrity who hasn’t been seen for awhile and then pops up on the Red Carpet all slim and different! Now I do know that I am not a celebrity no matter how many times I imagine having coffee with P!nk but I have always wanted to wow someone, anyone, with a little transformation of my own. SO when I got an invite to this ball and after I did my jaunty jig – a jaunty jig because I was so excited I almost peed myself, yes, pelvic floors, we are not friends – I realised I had 3 weeks to prepare. As in 21 days! So instantly my brain goes into overdrive! If I have envisioned myself at this ball looking better then ever for the past 8 years how am I going to achieve that within 21 days **insert Googling-like-mad here**. “Fastest way to lose weight in 21 days”; “Quickest weightloss in under 3 weeks”; “Can I survive on water for 21 days”…. Yes these are all things that I really and truly Googled and apparently I WILL be able to lose 10kg in 21 days by drinking water, cayenne pepper and maple syrup and … immmm … well…. that’s about it – oh and oxygen – I can still breathe oxygen! I may not be able to stand upright or to hold a conversation once I get to the night but hey I’ll look good right?!

And so I did. Yep I went out there I bought some lemons, cayenne pepper but I left out the maple syrup because surely I didn’t need those extra calories and yes my brain really does say that shit to me! I headed home that afternoon, with my next three weeks of supplies and all set for the ‘new me’ process to begin the very next day which, of course, meant I could finish off all the chocolate in the house prior to that happening…. C’mon I know you do it too!!

The morning arrived and I was all fired up – I even played the song – and yes Pat Benatar can make anyone fired up! I made my solution carefully converting the ounce measurements to litres though I may or may not have accidentally tripled the cayenne pepper by case of poor mathematics skills which meant every time I drank the concoction it would take my mouth a good half hour to quit burning (yep I was truly fired up!) The upside of too much cayenne pepper, yes there is one, is it makes you extra thirsty so you have to drink more, then it burns more, you get thirsty more, and well, just put that on repeat…. But…. Anyway I did it! 21 days and 10kgs gone! True as! Yep I really, really did! I am a completely transformed woman!!! I now have jutty out bones, no tits, and if theres more then 8 knots of wind (which includes my husbands force of flatulence) I fall over….. What? Why do you have that look on your face? You don’t seem to believe me?! Aarrggghhhh ok, ok I’m fucking lying! I lasted only 4. What? No, not days – 4 hours I mean!

The pivotal moment was when my friend came to visit me and I confided in her about my master plan. Her response? ……. Laughter! She text me later that day to say she had also received an invite and would need to lose 10kg in 21 days – I wanted to slap her because it sounded so ridiculous and then I realised she was mocking me. Bitch! Lucky I love her!

Now there are 16 days to go and still 10kgs to lose but you know what? I heard this awesome quote from a lady I am loving sick right now, Denise Duffield-Thomas … She said something along the lines of it doesn’t matter if paint a turd in gold and roll it in glitter its still shit and it stinks! The ‘looks’ thing that I involve myself in and the ‘ideal’ weight thing really is shit and it really does stinks! It does my bleached-blonde head in and if someone sits there judging me for my chubby arse and pregnant-with-an-oversized-donut-belly then I will paint them in gold and roll them into a glitter-covered turd.

As for me? Well, my road to body acceptance continues as does the burn in my mouth!

One Love

DRK xxxx