Mud Thy Saviour

I signed up for a ‘weight loss‘ course quite a few months ago.

…………………………..*sigh* ………………………………

Don’t worry this is not another ‘I’m-not-eating-for-21-days-to-lose-10kg‘ post …

I promise!

My initial intention (as usual) was to lose a shitload of weight, get to that ‘perfect’ and ‘ideal’ number on those very judgemental scales, to, hopefully, eradicate all my mental issues surrounding my body and to, finally, transform myself to look like a completely different person coz quite simply I’m not good enough as is, right?! I was thinking possibly like Scarlett Johansen or skinnier to be more socially awesome? Ok how about Angelina – I’d fit in then, I’d be an inspiration right? Because dramatic weight losses and hard bodies are more inspirational than women who love their lives, their children and god forbid their curvy/skinny/slim/lumpy/whatever shaped bodies.

Since my sign up I’ve been surprised by what has really happened and it focuses around myself mentally more so then physically. If I could do a “Before & After” shot of my insides then apart from being a little grossed out you would be super impressed to see the massive changes I have made. The course set the wheels in motion by creating opportunities and opening doors that have significantly helped me to evolve into a better version of myself. Deep huh?! I feel it internally but trust me when I say it’s been slow going – think of like a turtle on tranquillisers kinda slow. Although I look pretty much the same on the outside I am a completely different version of myself on the inside and still changing.

The biggest catalyst for my internal modifications came just over halfway through this ‘mental weightloss’ course when I bravely signed up for something that I would never EVER have considered before. I signed up for a challenge called the Tough Mudder! Admist the *eye rolls* from my dear friends who have heard nothing more than this for the past 6+ months I am proud to shout it from the rooftops – the internet-blog-style-rooftop that is. Why? Because this stinky, muddy event has changed my life FOREVER! I have gone from someone who can’t even stand the idea of having a bath (yes, even with myself) for the fear of germs, contagious floaty things touching me or perhaps even a shark being unleashed through a hidden trap door (yes really) – TO NOW a full-blown dirty, sloppy, stinky mud loving chick ….. Ok I still have issues with baths and pools and water filled stuff.

They don’t call it Tough Mudder just for fun – that mud went into every crevice of my body, covered every inch of my exposed skin and stuck to every thread of the micro fibre technology Lorna Jane tights that I wore. Yes I am one of ‘those’ LJ girls and yes I wore my Lorna Jane in the mud and she still came out just as good as she went in! Yep, LJ and I crawled in that mud, jumped in that mud, hell we even swam-head-under in that mud. Why? Well, why the hell not?!!

My hubbie and I after completing the Tough Mudder Perth 2014 …..

What this mud did for me was more then just adding a natural, long lasting dynamic-lifter-type-odour to my body for a full few weeks and almost, yes only almost eradicated my fear of clean dirty bath water – it actually changed my thought processor. Yes MY negative, self-critical, self-loathing, I-can’t-do-it central core processor got an overhaul!! I know, it’s a big statement right?! Some people need years of counselling, very expensive personal power courses or a decapitation to break through mental issues and I am not taking away from those avenues I’ve taken up many of them myself – actually I really don’t advocate decapitation – BUT I went from a girl bordering on taking anti-depressants for severe anxiety, depression and feeling completely overwhelmed with too many kids and her all encompassing life, to a girl who says; “Ok bitch,” (yes this is me pep talking my negative side) “you did the Tough Mudder right?” Negative bitch answers “Yeah so what motherfucker?” – “Well, sweetie, if you can do a Tough Mudder with no training, no roids and weighing that weight you say that stops you from wearing or doing what you want, well you can do anything!! Now get your sorry arse up and start moving forward. One step at a time, that’s all it is!”

And thats exactly what I did throughout the whole Mudder obstacle course and I have been doing it ever since. Just one foot in front of the other, one step at a time and you know what? I’ve made progress! Real, fucking progress! There’s been no turning around to look at the past and all its sloppy stinkin’ mud just so I can feel bad and beat myself up. I am looking forward and am now being proactive – not in just one area of my life but in all of them! I am making changes, I am choosing to move ahead and along the way I am embracing who I am (thanks to Taryn Brumfitt’s Embrace book – #ihaveembraced)….

So what does this all mean? Well my first major change was hiring a sleep consultant! Yeah I did, I employed a damn good sleep angel who helped me to get my 20 month old (now 2 year old) to sleep through the night and sleep 2-3hrs during the day!  The 1.5 to 3hr blocks of sleep I was getting, I knew, was paramount to some of my mental health issues. I then started an online course to help me to manifest stuff (aka be positive) in a very exciting way – one that had results as soon as I started it.  I also changed simple things in my life like starting a gratitude journal, I now say ‘no’ more often then ‘yes’ to things that I really don’t want to do/have/eat, I also started saying ‘yes’ to things that I really did want but was to chicken to do before! I quit Facebook even though at first I thought FOMO might take me out. I stand up to people without fear of them not liking me (or divorcing me), I’ve taken more chances by putting myself out there in the big wide world (aka this blog) with far less fear of rejection and with not much concern about what others think about me, I retired my 10 year old business – for now but not forever – even though it is something I love and am passionate about the timing is not right at the moment and for me, well, all of those things are MASSIVE changes!

So what looks on paper (your screen) to be rather lame, for me, in my life, is huge! It’s different for me, it’s progress, it’s something that makes me proud of myself. So sing it with me Superwomen – “What have you done today to make you feel proud?”

One Love

DRK xxx

The Diet Wagon

I am known for my honesty. Here especially. I tell it like it is and I own my shit. So here’s a dose of reality and shit-owning….

There was a wagon fall…. Last night…

In fact I started to lean precariously over the edge of that said wagon by mid afternoon yesterday. I’m not sure what the trigger was, not sure that it even matters but what I do know is it started with the desire for chips – hot salty chips – my greatest weakness.

And I came close. So close in fact just a mere 25m to the driveway in fulfilling that desire only to back out at the last minute – I was proud. Real proud. I think I even high-fived myself …. Yep, seriously I did!

But then ….

THEN my mouth fell into a pile of Smarties. There’s no other explanation as to how they got there. Worst of all I don’t even like Smarties.

And then it was caught chewing on the leftover sausage roll that was covered in sauce. I’m partial to savoury pastries but I don’t even like sausage rolls.

And then. And then AND THEN……. I found a pile of salt & vinegar chips in my hand which were on a conveyor belt to my mouth. Again, I’m not even a fan of these!

Seriously?! Why?!

Now instead of fulfilling the actual craving I had yesterday I went and consumed 3 times the crap! 3 times the things I don’t love, that I hardly even like and certainly never crave.

Ok, so whats the damage? Well I’ve gained a little and I am actually feeling a little shocked seeing as I have been doing so well. I have also set myself back a few days which means I will not reach my goal of 68kg tomorrow. Which, of course, then snowballs and effects my goals for the following week, and the week after etc, etc.

I tried to talk to my husband about it but that was after I had almost bitten his head off when he cocked his head to the side and asked, while I was eating a minuscule piece of pepperoni, how my diet was going? Really dangerous territory! In fact if I wasn’t so concerned about additional calories his head would have been seriously fucked up!

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Anyway my conversation with him about stuffing up yesterday went a little like this:

“So, I was craving hot chips … And then … And then I didn’t do it…” **insert*unregognisable blubbering** “I just drove on past… And then I slipped over … And then there was these smarties in my mouth ….” **insert**laughing-slash-crying-slash-blubbering-slash-indecipherable** He just sat there bewildered. No idea what the hell I was talking about and he just couldn’t get his head around the smarties comment. He totally didn’t get it. Fair enough I suppose and hey I think it’s almost THAT time of the month  though I’m not going to tell him that!

As a result of my fall yesterday my wagons parked up today. I am neither off it nor on it. I am confused by it and angry with it. Slightly disappointed in it and working on the courage to get back on it. I haven’t given up. I’ve eaten well today – bar that slice of pepperoni – I’ve been for a walk and then I went for a jog (or a faster walk by other definitions) and I plan on having a small protein and salad meal for dinner.

This wasn’t an epic fail but it was still a try hard fail. I’m not looking forward to the ‘numbers’ tomorrow and yes I know I should just not weigh myself – but I know I will. It’s a force greater than me sometimes – the pull to know if I am getting closer to or further from my ‘ideal weight’.

Hope your wagon journeys are safe and on a flat surface – leave the bumpy shit to me! I’ll be back!

One love,

DRK xxx

falling-off-the-wagon

Day 2 – Stumbling Blocks

Warning: there is a lot of fucken swearing today…

Today sucks differently than yesterday. I’m still hungry, I’m still headachey and I still want to scream halle-fucking-lujah to the world coz I’m miraculously still overweight and I’m, well, I’m a tad fucken hangry.

I know, I know it’s only Day 2 but I’m impatient, alright! My hunger pains and my shakey lethargic body tells me I should be weighing in like a flea already but reality says don’t be so fucken stupid!

There are a couple of reasons why today sucks differently compared to yesterday. Firstly, I’ve lost my right jogger. Yep! I don’t even know how that is possible! They go on together, they come off together, they sit and wait patiently together. They’re a fucking twosome! So what does losing a shoe mean? Well it means that even though I want to go for a walk slash jog to help my weightloss efforts I can’t …. Or can I? Am I making excuses? Should I just jog barefoot? In my thongs? I’m guessing my Physio would love that but I can’t just go buy a new pair of running shoes, why? Coz my husband would murderize my arse if I did – not coz he’s an arsehole but because these particular ones were only a few months old and well they weren’t exactly cheap Target sluts! It’s like walking on clouds, I told my friends all but two days ago. I wasn’t bragging, honest, they are just awesome shoes and everyone should be wearing awesome shoes especially while you are flogging yourself daily!

And my other reason why today is different than yesterday….

Well, actually, I’ve forgotten coz I’m so hungry and my brain is foggier than a tin shithouse after curry night at the homestead. But there was a second reason seriously! Might have to remember and comment it later…

Anyhoo that’s enough swearing and hangriness for one day! Keep strong Superwomen who are ‘dieting’ too! Our goal weights are just around the corner (then down the road, turn left, travel a few more bumpy roads, sharp right and arrive at your destination of ‘Fucking Awesome!’)

One love
DRK xxx

P.S This is NOT going to become a blog all about my weightloss journey … Promise xxx

The Gift

Back in 2008 I worked in Real Estate. I was a Sales Consultant and a single Mum to three. It was a tough time because although the job offered a retainer enabling me enough money to feed my kids and pay my rent I had to eventually pay it back. Even though I worked my arse off and sacrificed time with my kids the debt grew. I had made this career choice as the market was in its decline and realistically it would take a few good sales to get that debt out of the red and into the black.

Over 5 months in and close to $11,000 in debt, myself and a colleague headed to the City for some training and to find inspiration from some of the best Real Estate reps in WA. By this stage I was ready to give up. To cut my losses and to prove myself right – that I wasn’t cut out for Real Estate. I had never seen that kind of money in my life and couldn’t get my head around the fact that I would ever be able to pay it back and I felt like a fraud. On meeting these big time Reps I was inspired. They dined us and took us out for a night on the town! I went home the next day with a hangover, new ideas and super motivated.

Then about a week later a massive parcel arrived at my workplace. Inside were a couple of outfits for each of my children and attached was this note …….

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It was the most amazing gesture I had ever received. Simple, thoughtful and life-impacting. I cried so much on and off for days – it made me so emotional that someone would care and believe in me that much. I remember scanning the room for the guilty person in my workplace. They weren’t there or at least I don’t think they were. The gift was a complete surprise and it completely changed the course of my life because I chose to stay and staying meant I met my husband who I had two ridiculously gorgeous boys with and also soon after the gift arrived I was out of the red and into the black … well and truly.

To that person who sent the gift, who I was never able to thank, well, I thank you here and now. I thank you with all my heart and I will pay the gift and the gesture forward.

One love

DRK xxx

Devils Holiday House

School holidays. Such an awesome time in every mothers life. The most wonderful and nurturing time between a parent and child. So many Superwomen are in unison raving about how great these 8 weeks are, how they have so much more time to do lots of fun stuff together, enjoying their family time and proving it with photos and photos of happy faces, wonderful moments. Now with school holidays coming to an end joy is turning to sadness…. There is a bake-off happening around Oz with gourmet lunches and snacks being prepared for their children’s lunch boxes while they are wiping away their tears….

Sadly that’s not me! The only tears I’m shedding is that there are still 1381 minutes til I’m waving the last of my school age children off! In fact I have been sleeping in my party pants for days now! I’m counting down the minutes til I’m free to clean, to pop to the shop, to scratch my arse and pee in peace! Don’t crucify me as I put myself out there in saying this but I am definitely not one of those Superwomen who loves summer holidays! Let me repeat that … I. Am. NOT. One. Of. Those. Superwomen!

I am in no way bagging those wonderful women either, many of them are dear friends! In fact if anything I am actually totally jealous! They really do love this shit! But as for me I simply don’t get it and it makes me feel just a little insecure as a mother. It makes me doubt every maternal instinct I have that I do not want to spend every second breathing in the air my children breathe. I know I am lucky to have children. I know how precious and fragile life is. I enjoy fun and hanging out as much as anyone but some of the things Superwomen put out there makes me wonder if my children actually become possessed at this time. In fact it’s like a holiday house for the Devil and his mates during the summer break. It is most definitely not rainbows and sunshine. Trying to get them out of the house is a nightmare, trying to keep them in is even worse and the amount of “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” I receive on a daily basis has me in fits of hysterical depression. It’s like someone from Disney came and stole their imagination cause they simply cannot possibly find anything at all to do, not a darn thing!

I’m being real when I say this – some days it’s really challenging! With so many personalities in this house there are always one or two clashing at regular intervals throughout the day. I don’t love spending every minute of my life with people even when they are my children, sometimes five minutes on the loo is like a five-star holiday. And when I get to that point of wanting to pull my hair out I wonder if I am the worst person in the world for wishing the holidays away.

After the particularly hard days and they are all finally asleep I reflect on my day. I sometimes wonder if I will be able to forgive their bad behavior by morning so we can start afresh. And I’m praying they’ll forgive mine! But then I tiptoe into their rooms and I see their angelic, drooling faces, and I know that I don’t have to wait til morning coz all is already forgiven. Little buggers, I’d be totally lost without them….

School now only 1367 minutes away …..

One love
DRK xxx