Social Media – Ruining One Relationship At A Time

Never write a message when there are feelings attached because, as I have just learnt, things get misconstrued. You may deliver a message from your heart but the tone of it can be read in a very different way and then, well then shit really hits the fan.  I’m not one for confrontation and I certainly would never intentionally hurt another human beings feelings but today I did. I did, unintentionally, all because my “worries” and my “concerns” weren’t translated as I had intended and were interpreted as accusing, mean and angry. 

Making someone “see” something you see is hard at the best of times but when they are in an armoured fuck-you vehicle then you stand no chance at all and it’s best to just walk away, nah fuck it you better run! No matter how much it hurts! No matter how many years of friendship that are about to be tossed to the curb awaiting rubbish collection.

Today I’ve learnt to buffer the whole truth and nothing but the truth coz so help me God it doesn’t lead to anywhere I ever want to be again. Today I’ve learnt to keep my stupid mouth shut and continue to avoid confrontations at all costs even if it means not being true to what I’m really thinking. I am shaking and I am in shock. I feel like I’ve just witnessed myself and my friend in a car accident, all unfolding before my eyes in slow motion. I’m in shock because I have never, ever been spoken to by anyone, ever in my life like I was today. I have never been so misinterpreted, so misunderstood. I have never been told that someone regrets having had a friendship with me. I have never been told I am a nasty piece of work. And I don’t believe it for a second. I’ve spent my life caring for others, in fact I care for others more than myself most of the time. Sure I’ve bitched and whinged about people throughout my lifetime. I’ve vented to my friends about my friends or my kids or my husband and all back around again. Hell I’ve blogged about it numerous times. Sometimes I’ve been a shitty absent friend when caught up in my own crap but I’m not vengeful, spiteful or nasty. I am not a piece of shit and I would never, intentionally, hurt someone I care about. I hope she’s ok.

So today I learnt a lesson. In fact, I learnt many. Firstly, never, ever ask a friend if they unfriended you even if you know you were friends before and now suddenly you’re not – it may be a technological-fuck-up and not a human-decision-error. Never ask them that question because what happens from there is a series of reactions that don’t lead to a very good outcome. A simple question but not a simple outcome. I also learnt never to rely on social media to keep friendships safe because social media is the most unsocial way to connect with anyone ever. I learnt when being honest, filter at all costs! Honesty is not always well received especially if it’s not asked for. And finally I learnt if in doubt pick up the phone and talk. Get in your car, drive around, knock on their door and ask face to face. Never, ever rely on social media to relay a message especially when there are feelings attached to it, ever!

One love

DRK xxx

“Never, EVER, rely on a message to convey the emotions of the words it carries… Ever.” ~ Cristy O’Brien

Time Traveller

Today I received a message from myself. A message from the 26th April 2013 version of me. It popped up on my iPhone. It popped up on my Mac. I sent myself a clear message – clear to me because I knew exactly what I had intended for it to mean on it’s arrival today. It was designed in 2013 to activate me today in 2015. It said ….

“Today it clicked”

What the??? Seriously! On this day 2 years ago I decided to set up a calendar event to remind me, convince me that all it takes is one click. One click and whola you are thin. You are successful. You have time and money up your sleeves. One click and you are magically happy, your house is clean and your kids listen to you. Lets be honest though – in all its simplicity that click was really directed at my weight.

What was I doing two years ago that made me come up with this marvellous idea? At what point did I actually think a message from my past self would actually work? My future self maybe but my past self really?? It does, however, show me that two years ago and today are just the same because I’m still as focused now as I was then on the same stuff. What is that quote about insanity …”The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” The simple fact is that I am not willing to work for it. Any of it. I’m lazy.

  

What clicked today was my guilt. Which clicks a lot. Guilt that I didn’t get my kids out of bed to go to the ANZAC dawn service yesterday morning because I was worried my youngest would cause a scene when there was supposed to be silence. Guilty because I sat on the couch for most of the morning, eating on and off but mainly on. Guilty because I saw a person who makes me hate myself and so I came home and ate chocolate. Guilty because I am sitting here typing rather than snuggling with my baby on the couch – but I think the couch has had enough of me today. Guilt because I am still the same as I was in 2013 and even earlier, much earlier than that. Guilt because I sit here whinging when so many others have it worse.

  

Today it clicked just how much I beat myself up still after all this time. Beat myself up because I live in my head – yes we’ve have had this discussion recently! Today it clicked that maybe I don’t really want to change if I haven’t already. Or maybe what’s holding me back is stronger than the result I am chasing or I’m allowing that to be the truth. Like captive Elephants who, from an early age, have a single rope strapped to their ankle. Then as they grow into over a 3000kg creature they still believe that this single rope can hold them back. With the largest brain of any land animal elephants are conditioned to believe this to be true yet they have the capacity, the strength and the brain power to move forward! They just believe they can’t.

 

Why do I live like this. Chained up to beliefs that hold me back. I want to be free!

  

So today I did what any smart land animal would do – I deleted my click. I deleted that fucker right off my calendar of events. This isn’t a magic show. It’s fucken life. I am not David Copperfield and that “magic” is all about illusion anyway! I’m still working on this…. This is far from over!

One love

DRK xxx

Dreams & Dirty Thoughts

My Hubbie and I travelled home through the Swan Valley the other day which can only be described as lusciously dewy, especially in the mornings. We’ve done this trek many times and as usual it stirs up some long sitting dreams within us. It always starts out the same with my husband declaring that he would love to give up his day job and instead build wooden wagon wheels to sell Australia wide. Yes you read that right, wooden wagon wheels to sell Australia wide. He’d also love to own a draft horse, he says, and have a (home-made) carriage so we could hire it out for weddings occasionally….. It’s quite a sweet dream I’m just not sure how profitable wagon wheel selling is since… well since man invented cars?! But who am I to judge says the girl who is hoping to invent mosquitoes that suck fat.

We, also always discuss our common dream of having a B&B – mine luxuriously OTT with everything you could ask for and more (more as in stuff that is pretty useless but pretty all the same) and his is an upgraded version of mine site donger with the basic necessities and definitely no pretties. Our “matching” dream of running a B&B usually ends there because that is where my even crazier visualisations take over and my mouth follows suit. I have always said if I could attach a printer to my brain it would help people understand what I can ‘see’ in there – my next important invention alongside fat sucking mosquitoes… So before I know it I am telling him our B&B will be on lush, green acreage – totally realistic in this sunburnt Australian country! It is also purpose built for wedding one stop extravaganzas! By one-stop I mean there will be a stone ‘chapel’ which is cute yet totally practical, a reception hall decked out with all the mod-cons but with plenty of character and breathtaking beauty and of course, accommodation for the bridal party, guests and a kick-ass bridal suite for the lovebirds. I also added at the end of the conversation that we would also need a big bus to transport people back into town after the wedding… At this point my husband looked at me funny. Yep, that visual brain of mine got totally carried away confusing dreams with reality….. But that is so totally me and they are the luxurious additions to his simple dream of a bed and breakfast, wagon wheels and a horse drawn cart…. One Powerball and we can have it all … Except the year round lush green grass – courtesy of the Aussie summers!

While I had my hubbie in a chatty mood, which is rare because he’s generally pretty quiet, I asked him if he would like to inspire my next post for me. I asked him to think of a sentence to start me off or tell me something he’d heard/read/seen recently that was funny. Something that would get the writing juices flowing for the next four hours in the car. Well, surprisingly, his eyes lit up, a smile that I have seen a billion times spread across his face and his head started making fast paced whirring noises but as he opened his mouth to speak I interrupted him, as all good wives should, and said “It can’t be dirty, ok?” … Instantly his eyes lost their twinkle and the cheeky smile vanished from his face and I could tell he was trying real hard to think of something clean because the whirring noise turned into clanging and banging, I’m pretty sure I saw a puff of smoke come out of his nose too. That part of his brain hasn’t been used for awhile. Silence then followed for a moment as I left him to catch his thoughts until finally he said, “Nup. I got nothing! Unless you want to tell them about my dream the other night. You know the one with me and you and the really flexible girl on our dining table?” Yep and nup! I do NOT want to write a post about that. I am all good for classy girls swearing but dirty mens talk should be left in the shed as should womens unsugar-coated venting be left at the coffee shop because isn’t that all we do all day ladies?!

So, then this is it. This is your husband inspired post. A moment, a small slice of conversation between a husband and wife as they discuss their dreams and visions for the future. A post about our dreams and his dirty mind.

IMG_4408

He really is!

 

One love,

DRK xxx

Weeding my way to true happiness…

Life has been kind to me. I’ve been blessed with two wonderful parents who are respectful of one another and still in love to this day. They raised me in a loving home with grounded morals and life values. I have three older brothers who protected me, let me hang out with them and their mates and who inspire me, each in different ways. I have awesome friends, many new and endearing ones and special longtime, lifetime ones too. I live in a beautiful house, I always have enough food on the table and I can run, walk, carry my children and breathe fresh air into my healthy lungs everyday.

I am lucky.

Some times in my 30 plus years though I’ve felt ripped off. Not good enough. Felt that life had been unfair to me. I have had some days, some weeks even where I’ve only seen the glass as half empty. I’ve felt sorry for myself coz I wasn’t richer, skinnier, faster, smarter, prettier. I had friends who were toxic and draining on my emotions. I drank too much, smoked too much, ate too much. I saw my parenting as a failure and I was always too ready to give up.

Over time I have invested in myself. Books, courses, physical challenges, many deep and meaningful conversations. Over time I have learnt how to weed my garden. To clear it of things that didn’t serve me. That didn’t make me feel wholesome, kind or safe. That made my life seem hard, unfortunate or not worthy. I’ve overcome grief, guilt, self-sabotage. 

Today my garden is flourishing.

One love,

DRK xxx

  

Exploding Love

New parents are totally as adorable as newborns. You can spot them a mile away. The awkward pram moments, the fussing, the uncertainty spread across their face, the tired elated smiles and of course the teeny tiny baby. I love it. I miss it. The newness that is.

I’ve always been newborn mad – just not so keen when they grow up and starting talking back. I love the way newborns smell, how they rely holy and solely on you, I love their little cries and all their ‘first’ little moments. Newborns make my heart want to explode with love and sometimes I think it actually will – explode with love that is. I wish I could bottle it and spray it all around the world so that this pure love fills the hearts of everyone. I know, I know, how soppy and sentimental of me but alongside P!NK, newborns just make my heart sing!

But that’s not what I came here to write about today because even though I sound super clucky and it seems as though I am about to announce (another) pregnancy I feel it’s very important to say that I will never have another newborn of my own… And I am grateful for that because I have five healthy children already! But it does mean I get to love the newborns of my friends.

I came here today because I feel so much love for a little guy who I’ve never met and who has recently arrived. I love his mother – in a friend-way not creepy-way – so its only fair that I’m totally in love with him too. He’s precious, he’s tiny and he’s premmie. He is also strong, determined and he is, well I’m throwing this out there, perfect. Absolutely perfect.

How can one be so perfect? How can someone so little steal your breath away? I remember when my number 4 was born, my littlest one in size and with a serious medical condition. I remember how I could sit and stare at him all day. Not being able to hold him was painfully draining but I never got bored just hovering around him. I never wanted to walk away and leave his side. Even with the three hourly ‘milk room’ trips where I’d be plugged in like a jersey cow spending up to 30 minutes each side trying to get some milk out he never, not ever left my thoughts. Other mums would come in, five minutes tops, and then walk out with 180mls meanwhile (back at the ranch, the really dry drought ridden ranch) I left with a syringe of 2.5mls or under. It was pretty pitiful and that 2.5mls was my largest milk delivery the entire time!!

My number 4 was the epitome of a miracle to me and I know my friend will be feeling exactly the same. All babies are miracles and love is love but these little tiny ones are just even more special. More miraculous. You cannot, as a parent, fall in any more love than you do with them. It’s a love that is all encompassing. A love that blows your mind. So when I think of my friend and the new little guy in her life my heart fills to the brim and explodes a little on the inside. A little miracle. A little ray of lovely sunshine. A little bundle of love.

Now go and hug your babies, no matter how big they are. If you haven’t been blessed with babies yet go and hug your mother or your father or both because they will have that exploding love thing happening all over you!!

One love,
DRK xxx

Day Whatever – Embracing My Wagon

I am still off my wagon, not officially and not in a completely tragic, middle-finger-fucking way. I am just off the diet-I-was-doing wagon and I am instead walking alongside it, the wagon that is. I’m quite possibly tightroping cliffside but so far I’m doing ok.

At this stage I have lost a total of 4.5kgs in 2 weeks with another 4-6kg to go. That’s if I am basing my life and my happiness on the number on the scales. With my little loss I am already feeling better, my thighs aren’t rubbing so harshly now, I’ve started running again (ok it’s still just a fast walk) and I am enjoying and feeling sustained eating healthy, small portions. So then how am I off the wagon you may be wondering? Well, I am not doing the exact specifics of the diet I am/was following. This means I haven’t lost weight in a few days but I am feeling ok about that at the moment because I am still being healthy.

The only thing I worry about is that I think this is a cycle for me and I’m trying really hard to remember for sure if it is. See, I think I start these strict diets and then as I am hurtling along, doing well, I decide to jump and run alongside it to see how well I can do on my own. Like a test. In the past, it hasn’t worked. In the past I have always failed, faltered and fallen over while trying to keep up with the wagon and its many awesome passengers. Sometimes I have actually hurtled over the edge and definitely with tragic circumstances!

But something IS different this time ……..

“What’s different Cristy?” – you ask frustratingly as you wipe my chin coz once again I am dribbling a little bit of shit….

Well yesterday something golden happened. Something I didn’t expect. It arrived via Australia Post and, with applause, earlier than expected! It was my golden ticket to the possible land of diet freedom in the form of a book! I could never have imagined that a book could bring me so much clarity. So much okness – yes I am making up words now to explain it’s magical qualities! This book had me laughing out loud, yes LOL’ing, while I sat in my car waiting for the kids after school. In fact, I peed myself laughing, really I did, and the book made me feel ok about that too – especially seeing as I was reading about the author shitting herself! Hey, ones or twos – I’m not judging!!

Are you dying to know what the hell I am talking about, which book comes with a golden ticket? Well, it’s a newly released book called ‘Embrace’. It’s written by Taryn Brumfitt who has started a world-wide movement to encourage women to accept their bodies while living a healthy, balanced life! And (so far) it’s fucking fantastic! Can I say that any louder? IT. IS. FUCKING. FANTASTIC! While reading the book not only did I relate strongly to Taryn and her stories but I also felt like she was my soul sister – and not in some hippy, tribal, drum-banging way. I mean that in the way that she swears a lot, she’s rich in her honesty, she’s blunt but with a lovely realness you just can’t fake! This woman is just like me! The only difference is that she loves and accepts her body.

She has been fit as shit and now as a ‘normal’ ‘healthy’ size 12 she is completely ok and completely happy with her beautiful, glorious, wonderful, womanly body! I WANT TO BE LIKE THAT TOO! I want to be ok! I want to embrace my figure and just be! BE healthy, BE happy, BE fulfilled. These things do not mean being a size X, Y, Z or weighing under X kg’s, having under 0% fucking body fat. It also doesn’t mean I need to exercise for hours every day to prove I am beautiful or socially accepted neither should it mean I have to suck back on my dry-retching from the green shit I try to swallow every morning *gag*gag*shudder*

Being healthy, from Taryn’s perspective, is about balance. It’s about acceptance. It is as much about mental health as it is about physical health and of course, emotional stability and spiritual fitness. And by spiritual fitness I mean putting life into perspective, being grateful for a body that is working, is willing and able to function because my body is the house to my soul.

Here’s my ‘click‘. It’s happening. And it’s not the type of click in which my middle finger on my right hand flips itself into an erect position in defiance and a demeaning ‘fuck you dieting’. It is simply a click of the pieces in my minds puzzle falling into place. Of understanding better, accepting more and embracing that which I am. It doesn’t mean I won’t continue losing weight because I KNOW with my continued healthy eating that I will indeed lose more. But it won’t be such a mental head fuck, I won’t be desperately ‘trying’. I will just be doing. Enjoying not punishing.

“My body is not an ornament. It is the vehicle to my dreams.” – Taryn Brumfitt

Ahhhh, exciting!

One love

DRKxxx

#Ihaveembraced

Check her out http://www.bodyimagemovement.com.au or better still buy the book yourself it’s gold!

Day 12 – It’s Happening …. Clickedy, Click

Have you ever read articles on weight loss where people say something along the lines of “it just clicked” – cut to the amazing before and after shots???

Well I have … heaps and heaps and heaps and it annoys the crapola out of me! It’s so frustrating when you’re a dietaholic, like me, and you hear that there was this miraculous ‘click’ for other people who have struggled with their weight too yet for some reason you haven’t heard it, felt it, seen it or touched it for yourself. And I’ve waited, trust me, I have waited AND waited for this clicking shit to happen.

I wonder when they say it do they mean that it was a definitive click that just materialised out of thin air and then they were cured? Or was it a series of clicks because these before and after photos are deceiving to a visual person like me. To me it looks as though one day they woke up overweight, then something clicked and the next morning they were slim! That. Does. My. Fucking. Head. In!!!!

BUT ……

Of course there is a but ….. Isn’t there always?!

I’ve notice changes in the last 12 days. Changes other than the 4.5kg loss (yes I’m bragging). Nice little changes that may be ever so subtle clicks. Like the rarely-there cravings for chocolate and my ability to talk the odd one out of eventuating. Or the teeny little slip-up that stays a teeny little slip-up and doesn’t turn into a guilt induced oh-well-I-fucked-it binge. I am drinking lots of water – in fact, I am craving it. I am finding the word ‘no’ rolls off my tongue easier and I don’t feel completely deprived when I say it.

It’s kinda awesome. It kinda feels like the beginning of something bigger for me and maybe my problem all along was that I was ‘waiting’ for the click when I should have gone out and activated the fucker myself!

Have you heard the click? Are you one of those who has an awesome ‘before’ & ‘after’?

I want to have awesome ‘b&a’ photos – just for me 🙂

One love

DRK xxx