Losing a Sh!t Load of Weight

I recently blogged about “passengers in the bus” or #voicesinmyhead that I have slowly but surely started to drown out. I got tired of hearing their daily hourly fat, ugly taunts and I finally got the courage up to just drive that bus, #myself, toward my destination warning those demons (or as I affectionately call them, fucktards) along the way that if they didn’t shut up they would be booted out at #itsnotmeitsdefinitelyyou and #hellwasbacktherefucktards. Surprisingly my firm tone of voice, my confidence in my decisions and my ability to ignore them most of all has actually started working. They have been relatively quieter lately and I can see my journey ahead, my headspace is becoming a lot more peaceful. A lot happier. A hell of a lot more satisfied with me, as I am, right now!

With those demons sitting a little quieter on the bus things have obviously changed for me. The major thing is my scales no longer dictate my day. They don’t tell me to be happy or sad. That I am a good or unworthy person and they certainly don’t say if I am a success or a failure in this world. I’ve also been given the freedom of food. I can now eat what I want, when I want and however much of it I want to eat without feeling guilty. Without beating myself up and claiming to the world what an awful person I must be. The emotionally painful connection I have with food has almost completely ceased and so instead of eating and eating and eating to feed my demons, to satisfy their negative judgements on me and to starve myself of acceptance and love I now eat when I’m hungry.

In the mornings I wake up starving and my belly grumbles louder than my head ever did. So I eat. My favourite for the past month has been honey on toast. Ok, more so, it’s butter on toast with a small drizzle of honey…. Ok, ok it is actually just butter with a small serve of toast and an even smaller drizzle of honey! But I eat it lovingly and I enjoy it deeply and I don’t feel bad about it … at all! The other night my husband took me out for dinner. It was a surprise dinner. An early birthday present. I ate three courses. Yes, an entree, a main AND sweets – unheard of normally in my world! I didn’t finish every bite but I ordered and I ate each course til I felt satisfied. My demons didn’t say a word. This is a huge deal for me! I eat salad, I eat rice, I eat lean protein, I eat pasta. I eat a balanced diet and I am not stick thin or at the gym working my arse off and I am totally ok with it because there is so much more to me than what size I am. There is so much I have to give to this world and it has nothing to do with the number on the scales, a long awaited/yearned for flat stomach, a bullet repellant arse or a body that other women are secretly jealous of. My calling is much deeper than that. My health starts with my mind.

I weighed myself the other day, for the first time in ages, this is also a huge deal for me – I was a ‘three times a day’ weigher once upon a very short time ago!! With all this eating and enjoying I have been doing I was surprised to see I haven’t put on any weight, in fact I’ve lost a couple of Kay Gees. But I really, honestly, don’t care because the greatest loss I have made is the huge weight, crazy huge burden that I have been carrying on my shoulders. The pressure. The judgement. The harsh critic. The meanness. The constant battery of thy mirror self. I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to look like the women in the magazines. I don’t have to look like my neighbour, my best friend, my frenemy. I can just be. I choose to just be. I choose to eat to survive. Eat to enjoy. Eat to live. I chose to wear what makes me happy. Wear my size, proudly, confidently, whatever size that is and you never know from one brand to the next! I can wear whatever I damn well please including a bathing suit when the sun starts shining warmth again. I can smile with happiness. Smile with confidence. Smile because I know who I am and I don’t have to struggle to be someone I’m not. My head sits high on my shoulders. My happy, smiley head.

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I now know that chasing the better version of yourself doesn’t always have to mean being buff, being skinny, being thinner than what you are. That’s a sales tool that is used in the fitness and health industry – and that’s ok. For some. Not for all of us. Being the better version of yourself is being happy with who you are … Right Now! Because every day that you are living and breathing is a bloody successful day! Every day you get to learn something new about yourself and your body. It’s functions, capabilities, it’s fucken awesomeness! Every day you can choose happiness and acceptance over those fucktardish demons. Body love, body acceptance, body embracing is a choice, every day, all day. This is the best version of yourself. Body hating, body judging, body shaming should be left on the bus, sitting quietly, in time out until they learn the value of love and acceptance.

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Now give your body a hug! It works hard to take you through each day – especially if you treat it as badly as I have treated mine over the last two decades! Speak kindly to yourself because you are listening!

One love

DRK xxx

Social Media – Ruining One Relationship At A Time

Never write a message when there are feelings attached because, as I have just learnt, things get misconstrued. You may deliver a message from your heart but the tone of it can be read in a very different way and then, well then shit really hits the fan.  I’m not one for confrontation and I certainly would never intentionally hurt another human beings feelings but today I did. I did, unintentionally, all because my “worries” and my “concerns” weren’t translated as I had intended and were interpreted as accusing, mean and angry. 

Making someone “see” something you see is hard at the best of times but when they are in an armoured fuck-you vehicle then you stand no chance at all and it’s best to just walk away, nah fuck it you better run! No matter how much it hurts! No matter how many years of friendship that are about to be tossed to the curb awaiting rubbish collection.

Today I’ve learnt to buffer the whole truth and nothing but the truth coz so help me God it doesn’t lead to anywhere I ever want to be again. Today I’ve learnt to keep my stupid mouth shut and continue to avoid confrontations at all costs even if it means not being true to what I’m really thinking. I am shaking and I am in shock. I feel like I’ve just witnessed myself and my friend in a car accident, all unfolding before my eyes in slow motion. I’m in shock because I have never, ever been spoken to by anyone, ever in my life like I was today. I have never been so misinterpreted, so misunderstood. I have never been told that someone regrets having had a friendship with me. I have never been told I am a nasty piece of work. And I don’t believe it for a second. I’ve spent my life caring for others, in fact I care for others more than myself most of the time. Sure I’ve bitched and whinged about people throughout my lifetime. I’ve vented to my friends about my friends or my kids or my husband and all back around again. Hell I’ve blogged about it numerous times. Sometimes I’ve been a shitty absent friend when caught up in my own crap but I’m not vengeful, spiteful or nasty. I am not a piece of shit and I would never, intentionally, hurt someone I care about. I hope she’s ok.

So today I learnt a lesson. In fact, I learnt many. Firstly, never, ever ask a friend if they unfriended you even if you know you were friends before and now suddenly you’re not – it may be a technological-fuck-up and not a human-decision-error. Never ask them that question because what happens from there is a series of reactions that don’t lead to a very good outcome. A simple question but not a simple outcome. I also learnt never to rely on social media to keep friendships safe because social media is the most unsocial way to connect with anyone ever. I learnt when being honest, filter at all costs! Honesty is not always well received especially if it’s not asked for. And finally I learnt if in doubt pick up the phone and talk. Get in your car, drive around, knock on their door and ask face to face. Never, ever rely on social media to relay a message especially when there are feelings attached to it, ever!

One love

DRK xxx

“Never, EVER, rely on a message to convey the emotions of the words it carries… Ever.” ~ Cristy O’Brien

Time Traveller

Today I received a message from myself. A message from the 26th April 2013 version of me. It popped up on my iPhone. It popped up on my Mac. I sent myself a clear message – clear to me because I knew exactly what I had intended for it to mean on it’s arrival today. It was designed in 2013 to activate me today in 2015. It said ….

“Today it clicked”

What the??? Seriously! On this day 2 years ago I decided to set up a calendar event to remind me, convince me that all it takes is one click. One click and whola you are thin. You are successful. You have time and money up your sleeves. One click and you are magically happy, your house is clean and your kids listen to you. Lets be honest though – in all its simplicity that click was really directed at my weight.

What was I doing two years ago that made me come up with this marvellous idea? At what point did I actually think a message from my past self would actually work? My future self maybe but my past self really?? It does, however, show me that two years ago and today are just the same because I’m still as focused now as I was then on the same stuff. What is that quote about insanity …”The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” The simple fact is that I am not willing to work for it. Any of it. I’m lazy.

  

What clicked today was my guilt. Which clicks a lot. Guilt that I didn’t get my kids out of bed to go to the ANZAC dawn service yesterday morning because I was worried my youngest would cause a scene when there was supposed to be silence. Guilty because I sat on the couch for most of the morning, eating on and off but mainly on. Guilty because I saw a person who makes me hate myself and so I came home and ate chocolate. Guilty because I am sitting here typing rather than snuggling with my baby on the couch – but I think the couch has had enough of me today. Guilt because I am still the same as I was in 2013 and even earlier, much earlier than that. Guilt because I sit here whinging when so many others have it worse.

  

Today it clicked just how much I beat myself up still after all this time. Beat myself up because I live in my head – yes we’ve have had this discussion recently! Today it clicked that maybe I don’t really want to change if I haven’t already. Or maybe what’s holding me back is stronger than the result I am chasing or I’m allowing that to be the truth. Like captive Elephants who, from an early age, have a single rope strapped to their ankle. Then as they grow into over a 3000kg creature they still believe that this single rope can hold them back. With the largest brain of any land animal elephants are conditioned to believe this to be true yet they have the capacity, the strength and the brain power to move forward! They just believe they can’t.

 

Why do I live like this. Chained up to beliefs that hold me back. I want to be free!

  

So today I did what any smart land animal would do – I deleted my click. I deleted that fucker right off my calendar of events. This isn’t a magic show. It’s fucken life. I am not David Copperfield and that “magic” is all about illusion anyway! I’m still working on this…. This is far from over!

One love

DRK xxx

Weeding my way to true happiness…

Life has been kind to me. I’ve been blessed with two wonderful parents who are respectful of one another and still in love to this day. They raised me in a loving home with grounded morals and life values. I have three older brothers who protected me, let me hang out with them and their mates and who inspire me, each in different ways. I have awesome friends, many new and endearing ones and special longtime, lifetime ones too. I live in a beautiful house, I always have enough food on the table and I can run, walk, carry my children and breathe fresh air into my healthy lungs everyday.

I am lucky.

Some times in my 30 plus years though I’ve felt ripped off. Not good enough. Felt that life had been unfair to me. I have had some days, some weeks even where I’ve only seen the glass as half empty. I’ve felt sorry for myself coz I wasn’t richer, skinnier, faster, smarter, prettier. I had friends who were toxic and draining on my emotions. I drank too much, smoked too much, ate too much. I saw my parenting as a failure and I was always too ready to give up.

Over time I have invested in myself. Books, courses, physical challenges, many deep and meaningful conversations. Over time I have learnt how to weed my garden. To clear it of things that didn’t serve me. That didn’t make me feel wholesome, kind or safe. That made my life seem hard, unfortunate or not worthy. I’ve overcome grief, guilt, self-sabotage. 

Today my garden is flourishing.

One love,

DRK xxx

  

Exploding Love

New parents are totally as adorable as newborns. You can spot them a mile away. The awkward pram moments, the fussing, the uncertainty spread across their face, the tired elated smiles and of course the teeny tiny baby. I love it. I miss it. The newness that is.

I’ve always been newborn mad – just not so keen when they grow up and starting talking back. I love the way newborns smell, how they rely holy and solely on you, I love their little cries and all their ‘first’ little moments. Newborns make my heart want to explode with love and sometimes I think it actually will – explode with love that is. I wish I could bottle it and spray it all around the world so that this pure love fills the hearts of everyone. I know, I know, how soppy and sentimental of me but alongside P!NK, newborns just make my heart sing!

But that’s not what I came here to write about today because even though I sound super clucky and it seems as though I am about to announce (another) pregnancy I feel it’s very important to say that I will never have another newborn of my own… And I am grateful for that because I have five healthy children already! But it does mean I get to love the newborns of my friends.

I came here today because I feel so much love for a little guy who I’ve never met and who has recently arrived. I love his mother – in a friend-way not creepy-way – so its only fair that I’m totally in love with him too. He’s precious, he’s tiny and he’s premmie. He is also strong, determined and he is, well I’m throwing this out there, perfect. Absolutely perfect.

How can one be so perfect? How can someone so little steal your breath away? I remember when my number 4 was born, my littlest one in size and with a serious medical condition. I remember how I could sit and stare at him all day. Not being able to hold him was painfully draining but I never got bored just hovering around him. I never wanted to walk away and leave his side. Even with the three hourly ‘milk room’ trips where I’d be plugged in like a jersey cow spending up to 30 minutes each side trying to get some milk out he never, not ever left my thoughts. Other mums would come in, five minutes tops, and then walk out with 180mls meanwhile (back at the ranch, the really dry drought ridden ranch) I left with a syringe of 2.5mls or under. It was pretty pitiful and that 2.5mls was my largest milk delivery the entire time!!

My number 4 was the epitome of a miracle to me and I know my friend will be feeling exactly the same. All babies are miracles and love is love but these little tiny ones are just even more special. More miraculous. You cannot, as a parent, fall in any more love than you do with them. It’s a love that is all encompassing. A love that blows your mind. So when I think of my friend and the new little guy in her life my heart fills to the brim and explodes a little on the inside. A little miracle. A little ray of lovely sunshine. A little bundle of love.

Now go and hug your babies, no matter how big they are. If you haven’t been blessed with babies yet go and hug your mother or your father or both because they will have that exploding love thing happening all over you!!

One love,
DRK xxx

Day 12 – It’s Happening …. Clickedy, Click

Have you ever read articles on weight loss where people say something along the lines of “it just clicked” – cut to the amazing before and after shots???

Well I have … heaps and heaps and heaps and it annoys the crapola out of me! It’s so frustrating when you’re a dietaholic, like me, and you hear that there was this miraculous ‘click’ for other people who have struggled with their weight too yet for some reason you haven’t heard it, felt it, seen it or touched it for yourself. And I’ve waited, trust me, I have waited AND waited for this clicking shit to happen.

I wonder when they say it do they mean that it was a definitive click that just materialised out of thin air and then they were cured? Or was it a series of clicks because these before and after photos are deceiving to a visual person like me. To me it looks as though one day they woke up overweight, then something clicked and the next morning they were slim! That. Does. My. Fucking. Head. In!!!!

BUT ……

Of course there is a but ….. Isn’t there always?!

I’ve notice changes in the last 12 days. Changes other than the 4.5kg loss (yes I’m bragging). Nice little changes that may be ever so subtle clicks. Like the rarely-there cravings for chocolate and my ability to talk the odd one out of eventuating. Or the teeny little slip-up that stays a teeny little slip-up and doesn’t turn into a guilt induced oh-well-I-fucked-it binge. I am drinking lots of water – in fact, I am craving it. I am finding the word ‘no’ rolls off my tongue easier and I don’t feel completely deprived when I say it.

It’s kinda awesome. It kinda feels like the beginning of something bigger for me and maybe my problem all along was that I was ‘waiting’ for the click when I should have gone out and activated the fucker myself!

Have you heard the click? Are you one of those who has an awesome ‘before’ & ‘after’?

I want to have awesome ‘b&a’ photos – just for me 🙂

One love

DRK xxx

 

 

Conscious Eating

When you are dieting everything that goes in your mouth becomes blindingly obvious. It becomes a conscious decision, a choice, an option and for someone like me it’s all or nothing…..

I cannot lick my fingers after spreading the kids Nutella. I cannot pinch just one chip on takeaway night. I cannot take a bite of a pizza when it’s GYO which when translated means: get your own damn dinner….

No I cannot do those things while dieting because then I would unleash the beast! The beast who would then sit down and eat the whole damn thing. The pizza, the salty chips and the jar of Nutella. Ok, probs not the whole jar but I wouldn’t find satisfaction in just a smidge licked off my finger tip!

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So my other option is to deny myself of all of these things permanently while dieting and if any of those substances are to touch my fingertips I violently wash them away before they end up in my mouth!

Here’s a thought …. Why on earth can’t I have a problem eating too much celery or kale or baby spinach?! Hmmph? Why?!

So before conscious eating, aka dieting, I’d shove food in not caring to stop and enjoy the tastes evolving in my mouth. Kinda like Cookie Monster except the food would actually go in my mouth, down my throat only to finally settle itself in my arse or belly or chin – chin two that is. I inhale food because I am always in a rush but also because I feel guilty to be consuming calories, empty calories. I’m not a binge eater or someone who eats shitloads but I do have a problem with being satisfied with small amounts – so it goes past being hungry and into something more – of which I’m not sure.

Now, though, I savour every bite. Cut, bite, fork down, chew, savour, swallow. Cut, bite, fork down, chew, savour, swallow. Repeat. There is no longer inhalation of food. The pull is still there, the desire is too but my willpower or whatever the fuck it is – leverage I think I called it last time – is greater…. At the moment and its a welcome relief!

Some people are happy with just one chocolate square while dieting … I. Am. Not. One. Of. Those. People! So it’s none for me. Nil. Zero. Zilch. Unsustainable I hear you say, yep I guess that’s part of my problem!!

One love,
DRK xxx

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The Magic 6

I did it! My first major goal on Day 9 (yesterday) of my weightloss journey to get back into the 60’s. I’m only just BUT most importantly I am there and that is freaking awesome!! I felt a shift in my hunger yesterday also and my muscle weakness was relatively minor. It could have been psychosomatic but I was feeling better even before I stepped on the scales.

I packed my meals (and hubbies too) for the trip and our two days away so even if my weight goes back up today from last nights dinner – which was the most amazing food I’ve ever tasted by the way but I’m not sure if that’s because it sent my tastebuds into overdrive after them being sent on holidays for the past week or because it actually was the most amazing food ever! Who cares really I tots enjoyed it, every little mouthful!

So I’m confident (not a phrase I use often) that with my packed meals I have done my absolute best to keep any gain as low as possible. But I will be skipping the scales for a few days just to give myself time to readjust some grams and reduce the risk of the perfection bat coming out and whacking me one!

My advice for other dieters out there: goals should be broken down into baby steps and each milestone should be celebrated – and not with food! I celebrated my first of many goals – a double whammy actually – of getting out of the 70’s and making it through one week and I celebrated by spending the day with my friend in hospital. She felt lucky to have a visitor but I felt luckier to be with a woman whom I love and admire who encourages me and inspires me and who has strength galore! I love the shit out of her!!

Next goal, next baby step is to be back under 70 -this is assuming I’m over – in 3 days time when I weigh in next. Anything more is a bonus!! How are you going? Got those goals in sight?? More importantly, are you being kind to yourself if something’s got in the way and you’ve fallen off the wagon??? Well don’t worry about the fucken wagon jump on the horse and get your arse to goal anyway you can – with your head held high coz you’re doing this!!!

One love
DRK xxx

Day 6 – Unrealistic Expectations

I have expectations. Unrealistic expectations. Here’s a few for example: I expect my kids to be able to do the dishes without fighting, whinging or dropping water all over the floor….. Are you kidding me! Unrealistic for sure! I expect my kids to listen to me every time I open my mouth… So totally unrealistic not even I listen to myself all the time in fact I can’t stand the nagging that comes out of my mouth somedays but earplugs only internalize the sounds and make my voice sound weird! And I should not, I repeat, should not freak out when I gain 200g during a diet…..

200g. I know laughable right?! But this diet is all about daily losses to keep you motivated. Plateauing is normal but gaining is not if you follow it to a T. So why did I gain? Was it because the kids had my favourite meal last night – homemade pizza and garlic bread? Did I sneak a bite? Hell did I suck back a whole pizza? Nope I did not. I didn’t even lick my fingers after making them. Instead I had a light 95g tuna in spring water with salad. Did I have a full cream latte with one, something I’ve been hanging for? Nope I did not. I had a herbal tea hold the honey and it was quite delicious. Did I sneak a few Doritos the kids had for arvo tea? Nope I did not. I ate my protein only snack worth 50g, boring as batshit but it’s worth it right, right?! What I did eat in addition to what my plan allows was 6 almonds. 6 raw almonds obviously all worth 33.3333 grams each. Fat little fuckers ruined my morning!

I was close to getting back into the 60’s too and I thought, I expected, it might of been this morning. I haven’t seen a 6 for a super long time and I tell you when I do see that upside down 9, when I jump that momentous hurdle, I plan to hold a party in celebration – me and my scales are going to celebrate in style… In the bathroom. Alongside the toilet… While no one is watching…. The almonds are definitely NOT invited!

It’s ok I’m not beating myself up. No perfection bat in sight!

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I know what I have to do and I am not going to sabotage myself and fall off the wagon like I normally would just because I feel defeated. Today, although I am disappointed, I still feel committed and I am determined to get back to my normal weight. I’m not going to squeeze into tight clothes anymore because once upon a time those clothes were not tight. I have a whole wardrobe waiting to be worn and they are relying on me. I will not let you down Prada shoes and Gucci pants …. Haha just kidding they’re Grace Hill shoes and my Cooper St leather pants that are calling … Oh and a shitload of Target! But I can still hear them calling even without the ridiculous price tag. Yep all my clingy tops, my size 10 jeans and my ‘white’ wardrobe are calling me to. What’s that? I think I can hear them roar!

Who else had a ‘less than ideal weigh-in’ this morning? Go on share all the grisly deets! Hey if you were successful please share too! Inspire the shit out of me!

One love
DRK xxx

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Day 5 – I’m still at it

Day 5 is almost over and I did promise you that I wouldn’t turn this into a weightloss blog but how about we hang out til my first week is up – it’s kinda helping knowing that I am reporting in.

Then I’ll do weekly updates from there on in and once I’m brave enough – I’ll post photos!!!

Here’s the G.O ….

I woke up starving this morning … Again. I had muscle weakness (sounds pathetic I know but I seriously couldn’t hang out my washing or dry my hair) and I was nauseous BUT it didn’t last all day – which is a big YAY from me! So it turns out I’m less of a starvin’-marvin and more of a content-kent today which is a nice change. I’m almost a week through and over a third of my way to goal already – I think – I’m not to bright when it comes to mathematics. I know it’ll fall off more slowly from now on and the rest of the of the chubba-woombah woman that is me will take longer to fuck off but I’m ok with that. Me in skinny jeans – it won’t happen overnight but it will happen!

What I know for sure with dieting is you need to have leverage. There really is no miracle pill or diet but once you have leverage most diets will work. The first time I had a shitload of leverage was after I had my fifth child and was going to P!NK’s concert soon after. Now most people know my love for P!NK so the possibility, however slim, of meeting her, which I didn’t, was enough motivation for me to lose 9kgs and get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I was pretty stoked that 16 weeks after D was born I was back to “normal” – which, of course, was a weight I was never happy with before D.

Then over the next 6 months, some health issues and a back injury I gained those 9kgs back plus a couple more. I can tell you with absolute honesty now though that I will be so grateful for my healthy slimmer body when I get back to that “normal” weight.

So what’s my leverage now? A girls trip to Melbourne in May! I don’t fit into my clothes, especially my jeans, and I refuse to buy a whole new wardrobe of a bigger size or two – but I’m totally ok to buy a whole new wardrobe when I get to my new slimmer self! I also have a goal dress that I wore 4 years ago – once – that I plan to wear to my birthday in June no matter how cold the weather is. Looking at it now I can’t imagine (although I’m also trying the visualization/manifesting techniques) that I ever even fit into it but I did and I have the photos to prove it. Well I actually have a photo of my back end in the dress courtesy of my husband who snuck a photo opportunity when I wasn’t looking and a top half photo of me and my hubbie who looks drunk but he wasn’t coz he doesn’t drink much, ever.

So there you have it. I’m feeling better, I’m still focused and my leverage is a four hour flight with good friends to a city best known for its art, food and shopping (unless you’re into horse racing then I guess The Melbourne Cup would be up there too).

Here’s the maths – 3.6 down 5.5 to go… Victory is on the horizon!

One love,
DRK xxx