Social Media – Ruining One Relationship At A Time

Never write a message when there are feelings attached because, as I have just learnt, things get misconstrued. You may deliver a message from your heart but the tone of it can be read in a very different way and then, well then shit really hits the fan.  I’m not one for confrontation and I certainly would never intentionally hurt another human beings feelings but today I did. I did, unintentionally, all because my “worries” and my “concerns” weren’t translated as I had intended and were interpreted as accusing, mean and angry. 

Making someone “see” something you see is hard at the best of times but when they are in an armoured fuck-you vehicle then you stand no chance at all and it’s best to just walk away, nah fuck it you better run! No matter how much it hurts! No matter how many years of friendship that are about to be tossed to the curb awaiting rubbish collection.

Today I’ve learnt to buffer the whole truth and nothing but the truth coz so help me God it doesn’t lead to anywhere I ever want to be again. Today I’ve learnt to keep my stupid mouth shut and continue to avoid confrontations at all costs even if it means not being true to what I’m really thinking. I am shaking and I am in shock. I feel like I’ve just witnessed myself and my friend in a car accident, all unfolding before my eyes in slow motion. I’m in shock because I have never, ever been spoken to by anyone, ever in my life like I was today. I have never been so misinterpreted, so misunderstood. I have never been told that someone regrets having had a friendship with me. I have never been told I am a nasty piece of work. And I don’t believe it for a second. I’ve spent my life caring for others, in fact I care for others more than myself most of the time. Sure I’ve bitched and whinged about people throughout my lifetime. I’ve vented to my friends about my friends or my kids or my husband and all back around again. Hell I’ve blogged about it numerous times. Sometimes I’ve been a shitty absent friend when caught up in my own crap but I’m not vengeful, spiteful or nasty. I am not a piece of shit and I would never, intentionally, hurt someone I care about. I hope she’s ok.

So today I learnt a lesson. In fact, I learnt many. Firstly, never, ever ask a friend if they unfriended you even if you know you were friends before and now suddenly you’re not – it may be a technological-fuck-up and not a human-decision-error. Never ask them that question because what happens from there is a series of reactions that don’t lead to a very good outcome. A simple question but not a simple outcome. I also learnt never to rely on social media to keep friendships safe because social media is the most unsocial way to connect with anyone ever. I learnt when being honest, filter at all costs! Honesty is not always well received especially if it’s not asked for. And finally I learnt if in doubt pick up the phone and talk. Get in your car, drive around, knock on their door and ask face to face. Never, ever rely on social media to relay a message especially when there are feelings attached to it, ever!

One love

DRK xxx

“Never, EVER, rely on a message to convey the emotions of the words it carries… Ever.” ~ Cristy O’Brien

Rewriting Your Story

I’ve been talking to a “professional” lately and in the two hours I have spent with her (yes just two hours) I have connected more dots in my lifes’ story and crazy life cycles than I have ever connected before and now things are actually making sense. My vision is clear and now that I have the ability to step outside and look in from a very different viewpoint I can accept things for what they truly are. This different viewpoint changes “my story” completely. Things that I thought mattered, things that I thought defined me are well … different, they still matter somewhat, they have still shaped me but the depth in which they is no longer plausible.

Granted parts of my past have been less than ideal, yours may have too, and it’s true a lot of that shittiness was because of the choices I made as an immature child. An immature child craving attention. But I’ve realised there were a few traumatic things that were not entirely my choice. Those situations were not a choice made by a mature woman but of a 14 year old child. Never-the-less I have repented for 20+ years. I have spent this massive portion of my life feeling guilty, bad, not good enough and ashamed of myself. Embarrassed and unable to move forward in my life out of fear for the repercussions of my past. Fearing that my choices would come back to haunt me in my future. I now know that I have hindered my future by living in the shadow of my past. My fears have stopped me from truly being in the present – often or ever! My fears have also lead me to be in situations and with people who reflect these negative feelings about myself.

These people talk over me, interrupt me and are hardly ever really there with me. It’s like I’m not even talking sometimes. Sometimes it seems as if they are sitting in an empty room and not in a chair right beside me. They have their own opinions and mine, if different, are shut down time and time again, completely invalid and unimportant. They can give advice but can’t take it and I continually have to pat their ego. But I’m done stroking it.


Today I felt different. Today I had a voice. I had broad and strong shoulders, my head was held high and I nodded to the world that yes indeed I was ready to move forward with my life. I am ready to surround myself in real joy and faith. Faith in myself. Faith in my actual creative talents. I’m ready to support my personal desires for the future and more importantly actually be in the present moments which ultimately leads to my inner happiness and calm. Yay! Calm sounds awesome!! I am not afraid to release my “real self” for the world to see. I’m not afraid of what they may think of me. I am a good person. I know that now.


I am not who I was when I was 14 (15, 16,  and so on and so forth). I am not that young girl out there making mistakes, hurting those around her, in particular her parents, the people who brought her into this world. I am not the terrible sister of a dying boy. I am not an ugly freckled face girl who had a crush on someone who thought they were better than her. I am not the single mother of three divorcee, the failure, the family embarrassment. I am not the friend who will continually try hard for your friendship/love/attention. I am walking away with my head held high, almost guilt free, leaving the past in the past.


I have spent years/decades, suffering for my “sins” but before my life is over, before my opportunity passes I am sticking my middle finger up (as I may often do in times like these) and I am saying: “Fuck you fear, regrets and guilt”, “YOU are all holding me back and I choose to move forward like a true champion. One motherfucking step at a time!” I choose to keep these wheels rolling and to keep moving forward. To keep my smile glistening while my head is held high. I choose to heal, forgive and do better.

We all get that choice.

Every day is a new beginning. Tell those “passengers” in your brain to politely shut the fuck up. You don’t need them to bring you down telling you how useless/unloved/terrible/fat/ugly you are. Who are they and what right do they have to define you? You have a choice to quieten them. Not by talking over them or by enrolling in an argument with them, not even by performing a magic vanishing trick on them. You need to begin the quietening simply by ignoring them. By making a conscious choice to keep moving forward regardless of how much they heckle you. The more steps you take, the more positive moves you make the closer you will get to a smooth and quiet ride. And don’t we all deserve that?

One love

DRK xxx

More Toilet Inspiration

Some time ago I wrote a post called 60 Minutes Left To Live. It was a really powerful post, my most viewed of all time and still to this day it makes me adapt a new attitude after reading it while I’m having ‘one of those days’. I wrote this deep post after being inspired by a friend who lost her brother-in-law in a tragic road accident. She asked me the of the accident to write a post to remind people in her circle, in the city we live and around the world to put life into perspective. It was my honour.

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Today, almost 12 months to the day since her brother-in-law died I bumped into her…. In a public restroom of all places. It was inspiring regardless of the odours emanating from the toilet a few feet behind us. Women came in to do their business only to find two other women gas bagging about life, real deep and meaningful stuff. We talked about death, the impact it makes on people – the good and the not-so good. How people change and deal with it differently. We discussed how when tragedy, death and pain enters your life so suddenly, so severely that you are forced to acknowledge who are the real people in your life. Death brings about a de-cluttering of shit, of toxic people and clears your head of judgement that may have been holding you back or stewing within you.

We spoke of my own de-cluttering as I said goodbye to Facebook which has drained me, goodbye to my business and who I have identified myself to be for such a long time and au revoir to friendships which no longer serve me and have not fulfilled me no matter how much I have immersed myself in them. Our conversation, in the space of 10 minutes in a stinking toilet block, was deeper and more real than conversation I have had with ‘friends’ over a drink.

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And do you know what was an added bonus? We inspired a few other ladies who opened up on their way out of the toilet. Sharing their thoughts to two strangers who couldn’t find a more appropriate place to gasbag. It was funny yet nice to know they had something to say. So we are thinking of holding weekly meetings there if anyone is interested? We realised this is a place you can really talk deep shit and let go of your shit! Same place, same time next week ladies!

One Love

DRK xxx

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Forgotten Baby

I read an article today on “forgotten baby syndrome”. It made me reflect on moments in my life as a parent. THEN I read the comments to that very article! THAT made me feel so incredibly pissed off! So many bullies sitting behind their computer screens riding their high horses about how could anyone ever forget their child! Quite possibly, to many women and men out there, this may be a completely compatible thought with your own. But let me tell you what sleep, or the lack thereof, stresses of being a half yearly single parent, trying to provide for everyone financially, physically, emotionally and mentally can do for a persons judgement and massive lack of it. We are all busy. Too busy and I can, honestly, tell you I have driven many times and had a thunderbolt of panic hit straight through my chest wall as I’ve not been able to remember if I had put my son in the car. Only to turn around with utter relief to see his beautiful face sitting there sleeping like an angel, something he doesn’t do at night. I have, bravely, admitted this to friends at times who have all said the same thing has happened to them, completely without judgement and with 100% compassion to the guilt and horror you are feeling.

On my sons first birthday (my fifth child – not an excuse but an explanation of sorts) I had driven back and forth to the park where his party was being held. I went down to set up. I came home picked up the cold food and took it back. I forgot something, went home, grabbed it and took it back. Then I went home for the final time to get the hot food and the birthday boy who was fast asleep in his cot. He had been minded the whole time by his 16 year old sister, just in case you are wondering. I was flustered, frantic and on auto-stressed-as-fuck-pilot. With something under both arms I jumped in the car with one of my older sons, I gave him the hot food, threw a bag of stuff in the back and drove off. The park is literally 400m up the road. I pulled into the carpark and that bloody thunderbolt hit me straight through the chest wall again except this time when I turned around he wasn’t there! No beautiful little angelic face. It was a terrifying moment and the most frantic 400m drive home.

But I’m lucky. I’m lucky that my daughter was still home, although she was unaware he was still in his cot sleeping. I’m lucky my house didn’t burn down. I’m lucky that this isn’t a tragic personal story about my forgotten baby. Whether its a syndrome or not is not for discussion here all I know is that I can totally see that this is possible. I can. Its awful I know and to those who don’t understand it sounds downright insane, mean, unloving and selfish. What kind of parent, right? Thats what you’re thinking. Well I’m that kind of parent. But you wouldn’t know that because you see me as a mother who nurtures my kids, who brings them up in a loving home. You see me as a normal everyday mum food shopping, dropping kids to school, out on the weekends to sporting activities but I am here to tell you Superwoman or not there are moments in time, moments in my life where I have had a serious wake up call and that article could have been about me. Those judgements you’re passing could be about someone so innocent and pained and broken and having to live with the most heart shattering consequences for the rest of their life. A baby died. There is no justice. No happy ending. There may or may not be such a thing as “forgotten baby syndrome” but tragically and ironically that baby will never be forgotten now.

Be kind

 

One love
DRK xxx

Marriage is like a Bow and Arrow to the Eye

I love my husband. I really, really do. I cannot imagine my life without him. I know, without any doubt at all, that he is the person I will spend the rest of my life with, call me corny, call this is cliche but being married once before I do know this time I am on to a keeper! And you know what? That makes me happy, really super contentedly happy. It gives me a feeling of certainty that that part of my life is all safely sorted. Its mapped out for a pretty stable future and out of all the uncertainties that life can throw you I know the relationship part is going to be OK.

And now you’re waiting for it aren’t you though?

You’re waiting for that infamous word that comes after someone dribbling shit like I just did …. Yes, it’s that beautiful word – BUT …..

It's a BIG BUT

It’s a BIG BUT

This is also a big butt….

This is also a big butt

 

Of course there is a ‘but’! I’m no la-di-fucking-da chick who believes in fairytales! I didn’t write this post completely sober and so completely in gaga land that I couldn’t share the truth with you! Life would be completely boring if all my husband and I did was LOVE and ADORE each other! So it’s not just a little ‘but’ – its actually a really massive BUT! Its a huge pain in the butt and its an even bigger ‘but’ than Kim Kardasians (which is hot BTW)! Uh-oh I feel a song coming on…..

“I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can’t deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung!
Wanna pull up tough
’cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she’s wearing
I’m hooked and I can’t stop staring
Oh, baby I wanna get with ya
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got
Makes me so horny
Ooh, rump of smooth skin
You say you wanna get in my benz
Well use me use me ’cause you aint that average groupie…”

So anyway what is the ‘but’?

Well, this is it…. I love my husband, I want to spend the rest of my life with him BUT how the hell do you do that? How do you stay married for forever? I’ve often wondered when I see those couples together for 60+ years how they did it and where the heck their medal was hiding. I hope they have one – they totally deserve something shiny! But seriously, how do you spend an entire lifetime with the same human being who can piss you off one minute and then make you weak at the knees the next? He makes you laugh so hard you almost pee your pants (ok so maybe I sometimes, occasionally, rarely yet frequently do), then has you crying a million frustrated tears coz your sensitive feelings got hurt, only for him to come along moments later and wipe them away with a loving hand (ahem, well maybe he actually gives me a hug and I wipe my tears and snot on his shirt – that’s true love right?!). He drives me crazy on a very, very regular basis but he is the only person in the world who can make me mad and make me smile all within moments of each other, in fact sometimes I can have steam coming out of my ears while tears of laughter are streaming down my face. It makes sense that our theme song for our relationship (a.k.a our ringtone for each other) is “True Love” by P!NK ….. Here’s a few of the lyrics for those of you crazies that don’t know my beloved P!NK – because with a title like that it could sound a little mushy!

“Sometimes I hate every single stupid word you say
Sometimes I wanna slap you in your whole face
There’s no one quite like you
You push all my buttons down
I know life would suck without you

At the same time, I wanna hug you
I wanna wrap my hands around your neck
You’re an asshole but I love you
And you make me so mad I ask myself
Why I’m still here, or where could I go
You’re the only love I’ve ever known
But I hate you, I really hate you,
So much, I think it must be

True love, true love
It must be true love…….”

Love this crazy chick!

But somehow we belong in this imperfect world where a relationship doesn’t mean we have to be a ‘perfect’ couple. We don’t have to agree on everything. We don’t have to pretend we never argue and that we love everything the other person does… Coz I don’t.  Want an example? The way he eats. Honestly, he chews like a cow on speed and is as loud as a jackhammer in a library! Which is so, so incredibly loud! His teeth bang together and I wonder how on earth they haven’t all broken and fallen out of his mouth! During our meals together that is all I can hear! Like a dripping tap or a ticking clock – you don’t hear til someone points it out and then you can never ‘unhear’ it – but this noise is even worse coz it’s loud like an elephant tiptoeing through your living room – and that living room happens to be in your ears! I’ve been hearing it 3 times a day for 7 years (ok I’m grossly over exaggerating that part)! But hey, I can’t just make this a one-sided argument! I’m not perfect either. I sneeze like someone has shoved a locomotive with a cold up my arse – a-choo-choo train – get it? ………….. I also tell bad jokes! Anyway when I sneeze the walls shudder and I don’t ever sneeze just once. It’s always at least 3 times but more often you’ll get 20 out of me! And let me tell you, the myth about having an orgasm after 7 sneezes is a just that – a myth! It is likely after five kids you may pee your pants a little, not quite an orgasm but at least your pants still get wet!

What I do know and what I do understand about relationships is that it takes work and considering the workforce retiring age will be 100 by the time I grow up,  ‘working’ in a relationship and for a person you love and admire, who makes you better and makes you grow for 60+ years ain’t so bad. It’s more than a life sentence but at least we get to hang out with our own special inmate and we don’t have to wait for conjugal visits…. Winning!!!

Share your relationship secrets with me….

One Love

DRK xxx

Can the REAL Superwoman please stand up!

Life changes in so many ways for most of us. For some it’s just simply about ‘growing up’ for others it’s having to completely change their lives because they have to and sometimes people change because they want to be somebody else. Somebody richer, skinnier, more successful – kind of like playing pretend celebrity.

You know the type? Surely we all have friends like this in our lives. The ones who portray their life to be like the rich and famous. The ones you’ve known forever yet suddenly they’ve developed a posh kind of accent – though they’ve never even left the country. They are also the ones who think you’ve got to fake it until you make it which is a little bit funny but completely insanely infuriating because along with the accent comes a fakeness that is a pill that’s hard to swallow. There’s nothing more attractive and more richly fulfilling in life than being the real version of yourself – warts and all. So I ask all of my Superwomen to be proud and let the REAL superness stand out.

Put away the “perfect” body, the “perfect wealth”, “the perfect marriage” and the “perfect kids”. Take yourself off that god dammed pedestal you think you have to be on because we know who you are behind the many masks you wear and the pretty pictures you paint. We know this isn’t real and it must be eating away your insides. It can’t be deeply and wholly fulfilling to live life this way. None of it is real and the person we enjoy most is the one who is natural, without the posh accent, but the Superwoman with the real laugh, the real smile, the real life – this is the woman we can relate to. This is the person we’ve loved from the beginning of our friendships and we can see her growing further and further away as she is hidden deeper and deeper underneath things, materialistic stuff, falseness and pretend facades. Call this bitchiness, call it an intervention, call it what you will.

Life is what it is and while we can all strive to be better, to live better, to improve our relationships with our partners, friends and children; taking ownership of the good, the bad and the intensely ugly moments in all those areas of our lives is the process of leading a fulfilling lifetime! So dust that glitter and fake gold off your cape – you are as wonderful as you are and there is no need to be someone you’re not!

One love,
DRK xxx

Sometimes “Home” is not where you live

I’m feeling rather sentimental today – perhaps even emotional. It might be because I’ve just spent the morning with a long time friend that I haven’t seen in awhile or the fact I’ve spent my spare ten minutes flicking through a house magazine wondering about the meaning I’ve put on bricks and mortar.

Home is

For such a long time I’ve resisted the change which is coming – moving to a more inland (a.k.a – hot and dusty) location. I’ve resisted it because I’ve been brought up two minutes from the ocean all my life bar the first five years. So I’ve always been able to hear the waves crashing if not see them. Even from my table now I can look out and see the sea breeze coming in off the water. I can see our beautiful coastline of blues and greens, the red and white lighthouse and the busy port. I see kite surfers at Backers enjoying our windy city weather and the many ships waiting on the horizon. I know how lucky I am to have this.

And this is my house. Where my heart has felt most at home. This is the place I’ve lived for just five years but it’s the house I came to as a little girl to visit my Grandfather. He built this house for his wife and daughters. My grandmother that I never met walked these hallways and it is here I feel I can at least acknowledge her life, that she did exist. I know she must of have been an amazing woman because she is the mother of another amazing woman … My Mum.

So because of this love I don’t see the flaking paint on the ceiling or the peeling corners of the wallpaper. Even the brown and orange tiles, together with the green and blue carpet doesn’t phase me even though I am an Interior Stylist and it should because it goes against all I’ve been taught and all that I know. To renovate this house has always been a dream of mine. But it wasn’t my husbands dream….

He’s a farm boy at heart. He loves the quiet remote life. The dust and the flies. He’d love noting more than to whisk us all, away to a remote station somewhere. Where he could work the land, raising sheep and cattle while I would run our little homestead on the huge piece of Australian soil of ours. Knowing this huge financial burden wasn’t attainable in his immediate future he instead bought a smaller piece of land prior to meeting me to build his dream home. This, he envisioned, would be a simple three bedroom home occupied by his farmer wife and their two kids, a boy and a girl. Little did he know that his future actually included a “beach city” wife who already had three children of her own and then had another two boys together. The acreage, the three bedroom house and white picket fence no longer existed quite so simply for his future. More likely a noisy five bedroom home with a cranky city wife who doesn’t like the hot inland air.

It’s not about being the bigger person and ‘giving up’ my dream for him. It’s not about letting him have his way, I’m not. I’m not because my dream also includes a loving husband, my children, a roof over my head, happiness, love, respect and my family close by. Financial security, great friends, living and breathing and laughter are also on my big dream list! I will still have all of that and more. Nothing can take those things away unless I let them be taken. In the past I thought I was letting him win. That I was ripping myself off from what I wanted. I thought by letting this happen it meant his dream was more important than mine and if I didn’t at least put up a fight I would not be honouring myself. But I’ve spent 29 of the 34 years of my life living near the ocean. Maybe that means the next 29 will be in lived in the dust and hanging with the friendly flies and that’s ok, hell I may even like it ‘out there’!

Whatever happens though I know how lucky I am, how lucky I’ve been AND

how grateful I should remain for everything I have in my life…

Joie de Vivre

My new tattoo “Joie de Vivre” means “living with joy”. It’s a simple (and permanent) reminder that home is not just where the heart is but also where ever those that you love are. I inked myself with this in memory of my brother. He fought a battle no one ever should and with his passing he inspired those he loved to live happier.  So I’ve chosen to acknowledge that home isn’t just one singular place, one built with bricks and mortar but it is where ever my bunch of crazies are at. It’s time to let go of the material attachment I have and live in the heart, a place we are all most happiest in. I can’t say it’s going to be that simple but I can say I am going to make that change as best I can.

Does anyone else feel like they have had to ‘give’ something up to honour their relationship? If so, why….

One love,

DRK xxx