10 Cheeky Comebacks For When Someone Asks If You’re Pregnant BUT You’re not!

In the light of recent pregnancy comments about Princess Zara I was reminded of a lifetime of my own. As a mere ‘normal’ mortal, though, I am lucky not to have had my “is-she?-isn’t-she?” splashed across the internet and news feeds but I do wonder why there is this obsession with the woman body. I believe just like being “on a period” you should never ask a woman if she is pregnant. You should never ask when she is due and definitely never EVER have an opinion on her “baby” weight! We are women and weight is a very sensitive subject. It’s not hard though. Just keep your mouth shut.

Preggas

I’m generally two from left – except my boobs are bigger – unless it’s been a few days since visiting the toilet then I am definitely more a three or four.

If you, like me, have ever been asked these questions, if you have ever been in that mortifying and uncomfortable situation don’t hide yourself away. Don’t feel ashamed. Don’t visualise punching them in the face – and please don’t actually punch them in the face! Instead have a comeback. A fucking witty comeback topped up with good dose of sarcasm so people learn that it is NOT ok to assess a womans body or to make assumptions that we can’t simply be a little voluptuous or god-forbid bloated without having to be up-the-duff. Lets face it for those of us who can conceive it is an awkward situation and, at worst, it’s a throw-the-outfit-in-the-bin-and-never-wear-it-again embarrassment but for those who can’t have babies then it is just a heartbreaking moment in their life… A question they would give anything to answer “YES!” to …  A question and answer scenario they dream of, even when they are awake.

Lets raise the bar (or our eye level) and look at each other when talking together instead of analysing bumps and lumps. If you do feel the need to analyse bumps and lumps then do a breast check and by that I mean your own! Now doesn’t that seem much more important than insulting an unsuspecting and definitely not pregnant woman?!

OK so let’s talk about comebacks to particular questions. They must be delivered with shoulders back, head held high and a smirk on your face. No one needs to feel embarrassed in the skin they are in and typically, these questions come from people who mean well but lack any type of filter from brain to judgement to mouth.

Here we go………

Q1: How long have you got to go?

A: Well, I dropped a couple of laxatives a few of hours ago now so ummm any minute now I guess and then my five day old shit will be ready to explode!

tumblr_mi1inqYiK31r62pq6o1_500

Q2: Wow you must be ready to pop – how long now? 

A: Oh no I’m not pregnant but hey looks like your arse is about to have twins – congrats!

Q3: Oh my god you’re pregnant… Congrats!

A: Yes but don’t tell my husband – it’s not his!

Q4: OMG so-and-so told me you were pregnant – congrats!!

A: Shit! Am I? I better lay off the tequila shots and cigars!

Q5: When’s this one due?

A: I was just about to ask you the same question!

Q6: OMG! Are you preggas?

A: No but the night is still young!

Q7: Look at that belly! How far along are you?

A: Well I’ve been brewing this massive fart all morning but unfortunately you’ll need more than gas to help that mouth of yours!

Q8: Are you up the duff?

A: No. My boobs are always this awesome!

Q9: Oooohhh (points to belly) what are you hoping for?

A: A puppy that can burp the alphabet

Q10: I can’t believe you’re pregnant again!

A: Actually I’m not. I have a condition called “Fuck-You” – Google it.

Pregnant

Only ever assume a women is pregnant if a) you have x-ray vision (which you should be careful with as it can be harmful to the baby) or b) you physically see that baby emerging from her body! Otherwise shove that foot firmly back into your mouth and never utter those words again to any woman ever?! Got it? Get it? Good!

Now some wise words from the always effervescent P!NK, the woman I adore and may even consider leaving my husband and children for….

Pinks statement

Ahhhhh god I love her……

One love,

DRK xxx

Exploding Love

New parents are totally as adorable as newborns. You can spot them a mile away. The awkward pram moments, the fussing, the uncertainty spread across their face, the tired elated smiles and of course the teeny tiny baby. I love it. I miss it. The newness that is.

I’ve always been newborn mad – just not so keen when they grow up and starting talking back. I love the way newborns smell, how they rely holy and solely on you, I love their little cries and all their ‘first’ little moments. Newborns make my heart want to explode with love and sometimes I think it actually will – explode with love that is. I wish I could bottle it and spray it all around the world so that this pure love fills the hearts of everyone. I know, I know, how soppy and sentimental of me but alongside P!NK, newborns just make my heart sing!

But that’s not what I came here to write about today because even though I sound super clucky and it seems as though I am about to announce (another) pregnancy I feel it’s very important to say that I will never have another newborn of my own… And I am grateful for that because I have five healthy children already! But it does mean I get to love the newborns of my friends.

I came here today because I feel so much love for a little guy who I’ve never met and who has recently arrived. I love his mother – in a friend-way not creepy-way – so its only fair that I’m totally in love with him too. He’s precious, he’s tiny and he’s premmie. He is also strong, determined and he is, well I’m throwing this out there, perfect. Absolutely perfect.

How can one be so perfect? How can someone so little steal your breath away? I remember when my number 4 was born, my littlest one in size and with a serious medical condition. I remember how I could sit and stare at him all day. Not being able to hold him was painfully draining but I never got bored just hovering around him. I never wanted to walk away and leave his side. Even with the three hourly ‘milk room’ trips where I’d be plugged in like a jersey cow spending up to 30 minutes each side trying to get some milk out he never, not ever left my thoughts. Other mums would come in, five minutes tops, and then walk out with 180mls meanwhile (back at the ranch, the really dry drought ridden ranch) I left with a syringe of 2.5mls or under. It was pretty pitiful and that 2.5mls was my largest milk delivery the entire time!!

My number 4 was the epitome of a miracle to me and I know my friend will be feeling exactly the same. All babies are miracles and love is love but these little tiny ones are just even more special. More miraculous. You cannot, as a parent, fall in any more love than you do with them. It’s a love that is all encompassing. A love that blows your mind. So when I think of my friend and the new little guy in her life my heart fills to the brim and explodes a little on the inside. A little miracle. A little ray of lovely sunshine. A little bundle of love.

Now go and hug your babies, no matter how big they are. If you haven’t been blessed with babies yet go and hug your mother or your father or both because they will have that exploding love thing happening all over you!!

One love,
DRK xxx

Day 5 – I’m still at it

Day 5 is almost over and I did promise you that I wouldn’t turn this into a weightloss blog but how about we hang out til my first week is up – it’s kinda helping knowing that I am reporting in.

Then I’ll do weekly updates from there on in and once I’m brave enough – I’ll post photos!!!

Here’s the G.O ….

I woke up starving this morning … Again. I had muscle weakness (sounds pathetic I know but I seriously couldn’t hang out my washing or dry my hair) and I was nauseous BUT it didn’t last all day – which is a big YAY from me! So it turns out I’m less of a starvin’-marvin and more of a content-kent today which is a nice change. I’m almost a week through and over a third of my way to goal already – I think – I’m not to bright when it comes to mathematics. I know it’ll fall off more slowly from now on and the rest of the of the chubba-woombah woman that is me will take longer to fuck off but I’m ok with that. Me in skinny jeans – it won’t happen overnight but it will happen!

What I know for sure with dieting is you need to have leverage. There really is no miracle pill or diet but once you have leverage most diets will work. The first time I had a shitload of leverage was after I had my fifth child and was going to P!NK’s concert soon after. Now most people know my love for P!NK so the possibility, however slim, of meeting her, which I didn’t, was enough motivation for me to lose 9kgs and get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I was pretty stoked that 16 weeks after D was born I was back to “normal” – which, of course, was a weight I was never happy with before D.

Then over the next 6 months, some health issues and a back injury I gained those 9kgs back plus a couple more. I can tell you with absolute honesty now though that I will be so grateful for my healthy slimmer body when I get back to that “normal” weight.

So what’s my leverage now? A girls trip to Melbourne in May! I don’t fit into my clothes, especially my jeans, and I refuse to buy a whole new wardrobe of a bigger size or two – but I’m totally ok to buy a whole new wardrobe when I get to my new slimmer self! I also have a goal dress that I wore 4 years ago – once – that I plan to wear to my birthday in June no matter how cold the weather is. Looking at it now I can’t imagine (although I’m also trying the visualization/manifesting techniques) that I ever even fit into it but I did and I have the photos to prove it. Well I actually have a photo of my back end in the dress courtesy of my husband who snuck a photo opportunity when I wasn’t looking and a top half photo of me and my hubbie who looks drunk but he wasn’t coz he doesn’t drink much, ever.

So there you have it. I’m feeling better, I’m still focused and my leverage is a four hour flight with good friends to a city best known for its art, food and shopping (unless you’re into horse racing then I guess The Melbourne Cup would be up there too).

Here’s the maths – 3.6 down 5.5 to go… Victory is on the horizon!

One love,
DRK xxx

Marriage is like a Bow and Arrow to the Eye

I love my husband. I really, really do. I cannot imagine my life without him. I know, without any doubt at all, that he is the person I will spend the rest of my life with, call me corny, call this is cliche but being married once before I do know this time I am on to a keeper! And you know what? That makes me happy, really super contentedly happy. It gives me a feeling of certainty that that part of my life is all safely sorted. Its mapped out for a pretty stable future and out of all the uncertainties that life can throw you I know the relationship part is going to be OK.

And now you’re waiting for it aren’t you though?

You’re waiting for that infamous word that comes after someone dribbling shit like I just did …. Yes, it’s that beautiful word – BUT …..

It's a BIG BUT

It’s a BIG BUT

This is also a big butt….

This is also a big butt

 

Of course there is a ‘but’! I’m no la-di-fucking-da chick who believes in fairytales! I didn’t write this post completely sober and so completely in gaga land that I couldn’t share the truth with you! Life would be completely boring if all my husband and I did was LOVE and ADORE each other! So it’s not just a little ‘but’ – its actually a really massive BUT! Its a huge pain in the butt and its an even bigger ‘but’ than Kim Kardasians (which is hot BTW)! Uh-oh I feel a song coming on…..

“I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can’t deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung!
Wanna pull up tough
’cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she’s wearing
I’m hooked and I can’t stop staring
Oh, baby I wanna get with ya
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got
Makes me so horny
Ooh, rump of smooth skin
You say you wanna get in my benz
Well use me use me ’cause you aint that average groupie…”

So anyway what is the ‘but’?

Well, this is it…. I love my husband, I want to spend the rest of my life with him BUT how the hell do you do that? How do you stay married for forever? I’ve often wondered when I see those couples together for 60+ years how they did it and where the heck their medal was hiding. I hope they have one – they totally deserve something shiny! But seriously, how do you spend an entire lifetime with the same human being who can piss you off one minute and then make you weak at the knees the next? He makes you laugh so hard you almost pee your pants (ok so maybe I sometimes, occasionally, rarely yet frequently do), then has you crying a million frustrated tears coz your sensitive feelings got hurt, only for him to come along moments later and wipe them away with a loving hand (ahem, well maybe he actually gives me a hug and I wipe my tears and snot on his shirt – that’s true love right?!). He drives me crazy on a very, very regular basis but he is the only person in the world who can make me mad and make me smile all within moments of each other, in fact sometimes I can have steam coming out of my ears while tears of laughter are streaming down my face. It makes sense that our theme song for our relationship (a.k.a our ringtone for each other) is “True Love” by P!NK ….. Here’s a few of the lyrics for those of you crazies that don’t know my beloved P!NK – because with a title like that it could sound a little mushy!

“Sometimes I hate every single stupid word you say
Sometimes I wanna slap you in your whole face
There’s no one quite like you
You push all my buttons down
I know life would suck without you

At the same time, I wanna hug you
I wanna wrap my hands around your neck
You’re an asshole but I love you
And you make me so mad I ask myself
Why I’m still here, or where could I go
You’re the only love I’ve ever known
But I hate you, I really hate you,
So much, I think it must be

True love, true love
It must be true love…….”

Love this crazy chick!

But somehow we belong in this imperfect world where a relationship doesn’t mean we have to be a ‘perfect’ couple. We don’t have to agree on everything. We don’t have to pretend we never argue and that we love everything the other person does… Coz I don’t.  Want an example? The way he eats. Honestly, he chews like a cow on speed and is as loud as a jackhammer in a library! Which is so, so incredibly loud! His teeth bang together and I wonder how on earth they haven’t all broken and fallen out of his mouth! During our meals together that is all I can hear! Like a dripping tap or a ticking clock – you don’t hear til someone points it out and then you can never ‘unhear’ it – but this noise is even worse coz it’s loud like an elephant tiptoeing through your living room – and that living room happens to be in your ears! I’ve been hearing it 3 times a day for 7 years (ok I’m grossly over exaggerating that part)! But hey, I can’t just make this a one-sided argument! I’m not perfect either. I sneeze like someone has shoved a locomotive with a cold up my arse – a-choo-choo train – get it? ………….. I also tell bad jokes! Anyway when I sneeze the walls shudder and I don’t ever sneeze just once. It’s always at least 3 times but more often you’ll get 20 out of me! And let me tell you, the myth about having an orgasm after 7 sneezes is a just that – a myth! It is likely after five kids you may pee your pants a little, not quite an orgasm but at least your pants still get wet!

What I do know and what I do understand about relationships is that it takes work and considering the workforce retiring age will be 100 by the time I grow up,  ‘working’ in a relationship and for a person you love and admire, who makes you better and makes you grow for 60+ years ain’t so bad. It’s more than a life sentence but at least we get to hang out with our own special inmate and we don’t have to wait for conjugal visits…. Winning!!!

Share your relationship secrets with me….

One Love

DRK xxx