Day 2 – Stumbling Blocks

Warning: there is a lot of fucken swearing today…

Today sucks differently than yesterday. I’m still hungry, I’m still headachey and I still want to scream halle-fucking-lujah to the world coz I’m miraculously still overweight and I’m, well, I’m a tad fucken hangry.

I know, I know it’s only Day 2 but I’m impatient, alright! My hunger pains and my shakey lethargic body tells me I should be weighing in like a flea already but reality says don’t be so fucken stupid!

There are a couple of reasons why today sucks differently compared to yesterday. Firstly, I’ve lost my right jogger. Yep! I don’t even know how that is possible! They go on together, they come off together, they sit and wait patiently together. They’re a fucking twosome! So what does losing a shoe mean? Well it means that even though I want to go for a walk slash jog to help my weightloss efforts I can’t …. Or can I? Am I making excuses? Should I just jog barefoot? In my thongs? I’m guessing my Physio would love that but I can’t just go buy a new pair of running shoes, why? Coz my husband would murderize my arse if I did – not coz he’s an arsehole but because these particular ones were only a few months old and well they weren’t exactly cheap Target sluts! It’s like walking on clouds, I told my friends all but two days ago. I wasn’t bragging, honest, they are just awesome shoes and everyone should be wearing awesome shoes especially while you are flogging yourself daily!

And my other reason why today is different than yesterday….

Well, actually, I’ve forgotten coz I’m so hungry and my brain is foggier than a tin shithouse after curry night at the homestead. But there was a second reason seriously! Might have to remember and comment it later…

Anyhoo that’s enough swearing and hangriness for one day! Keep strong Superwomen who are ‘dieting’ too! Our goal weights are just around the corner (then down the road, turn left, travel a few more bumpy roads, sharp right and arrive at your destination of ‘Fucking Awesome!’)

One love
DRK xxx

P.S This is NOT going to become a blog all about my weightloss journey … Promise xxx

Day 1 – Numbers to Follow

Ok so don’t be shocked when I say the following …..

I have started a new diet! Yes I have ….. Yes, again! And today is Day 1.

Day 1 sucks. It sucks big vagina biscuit balls!

On this day my mind, my body and my tastebuds scream at me about all the stuff I am giving up and I get hangry, really hangry! It’s like herpes and piggy tails on men – it’s horrible, disgusting and leaves a bad taste in your vagina mouth!

Day 1 tells me how heavy I am and how far I have to go before I get to my ‘ideal weight’ – whatever the hell that is! Let me tell you ‘ideal’ by definition is: satisfying ones conception of what is perfect; most suitable or existing only in the imagination; desirable or perfect but not likely to become a reality.

WTF!!! Not likely to become a reality! No wonder ‘ideal weight’ is such a farce! What an absolute joke! Best I be scrapping that ‘ideal’ bullshit and just aim for comfortably-able-to-touch-my-toes or not-have-to-tuck-my-belly-into-my-jeans weight. Hell at this stage I’d give anything just to fit into my jeans never mind tucking my belly into them!

Ive-gained-some-weight-over-the-last-year-so-I-transformed-this-meme-into-a-computer-background-to-motivate-myself.

Day 1 also means forming the habit of drinking three litres of water a day. Which means me and my bladder become great and present friends. We hang out and I give up everything else in my day just to spend time in the dunny with my bladder and the 3 ply. Like a urinal colonic. In fact I’ve been three times since starting this post! Crazily enough, I get more and more thirsty the more I drink and those three litres don’t quench my thirst and they certainly don’t bitchslap the hunger pains.

I was going to be brave on Day 1 by posting photos and declaring ‘the numbers’…. You know? The numbers? The digits that control my life?! Well I’m too fucken scared so you’re just going to have to wait until I have actually removed some of the numbers before I am brave enough to post my ‘before’ pic. It might not happen until I have my ‘after’ pic but hey, if it bothers you then, well, you have my absolute blessing to fuck right off 🙂 I mean that in the most loving fuck-offable way xx

So stay tuned, or not, for the transformation, if any, and please know that your words of encouragement will be greatly rewarded. No, there is no prize for your encouraging comments but you will be rewarded with a happier, healthier and no longer hangry me!

One love

DRK xxx

P.S I feel 10kgs lighter already – coz I am so hungry – pity the scales say otherwise… Boohoo …. Hold on for your dear life here comes the roller coaster ride called ‘weight loss’…….

P.P.S I can do a food diary if you’re interested and I am assuming you will only be interested for two reasons 1) you are wanting to lose weight and 2) I actually DO lose weight …. Stay tuned…..

Funny-Motivational-Quotes-for-weight-loss-1

All Grown Up

I can’t believe time can be so variable. When you are in pain or awaiting important news time seems to slow down. To tick by like it has nothing better to do than procrastinate it’s ticking. Then in other circumstances, and generally in hindsight, time flies. It flies by so suddenly like its a part of the speed of light.

And this is very true for my life as a parent. Especially as I have just experienced my daughters Year 12 Ball. And ball I did. I balled like a baby. For many reasons. She’s my only girl. She’s my eldest. She is nothing like me at that age (which is a good thing, a really good thing). She had endured a pretty shitty few weeks leading up to her night – confusion which lead to heartbreak, a mean teacher (this kid loves school so that says a lot) and old friends who decided they would turn against her, bitch about her and spread rumours.

Then a week before her ball her dress finally arrived and it turned out it was a curtain disguised as a terrible looking curtain. Her shoes arrived two days later and were a size too small. Five days before her ball we ordered a new dress… Three days before her ball we realised it was coming from the UK (we are in Oz). 27 hours before her ball we had a spare 8 dresses kindly donated if we needed them from some of my awesome friends. 26 hours before her ball her new dress arrived – yay! 25 hours before her ball we realised it didn’t fit – boo…. 8 hours before her ball we had it altered by a sewing magician. Then we borrowed some shoes from a gorgeous beach babe friend of mine who is now how I see my daughter growing up to be – they even look alike. She had her hair and makeup done by (again) awesome friends of mine and voila ……

Tball

Isn’t she beautiful!

 

I have to be honest – because thats what I do best – it was not how I had envisioned my one and only daughters ball to be. I’d pictured a thousand times how her day would unfold and how she would feel that day…. I had, years prior once I realised she was definitely going to be my one and only girl, picked out a dress for her, a dusty pink dress, with sequins and feathers and lace and lots of feminine girlie pretties, created a folder with pictures of makeup, hairstyles and accessories. Yet she chose red, bohemian and sultry. She looked beautiful and it was totally her style, my boho baby! And I am proud! So very proud to have had this babe choose me to be her Mum. She’s intelligent, incredibly kind-hearted, creative and she loves to organise my pantry cupboard! Winning!

Me & T

My girl & her mumma bear (me…. derrr)!

Better get started on her wedding folder…. Forget bridezilla cue motherfuckinginlawzilla! Mwahahahahahahaha …..

One love

DRK xxx

I once slept with Johnny Depp

I dreamt some really weird shit last night. Also the night before that AND the night before that too!

I dreamt about friends being really mean, murderers out to get me, then me murdering one of them in self defence with their own weapon which was those star disc thingamabobs that you see in the ninja movies…… It’s called a Shuriken apparently (thanks Google!) – don’t ask me to pronounce it though!

My self defence included a very detailed scene of being squirted with blood from a gashed thigh artery. I think it even went in my mouth – why would I dream something so graphic! Let me tell you it wasn’t pleasant. This is the first time I’ve had a dream like this but I often dream of mean girls and a cheating partner which generally gets my day off to a bad start. This usually involves me rolling over and whacking my husband on the shoulder with my cranky-pants-husky-morning-breath voice accusingly yelling “You cheated on me last night.” Yep, that means no morning glory sunshine coz you jumped into my dream and bed with another woman!

I used to analyse my dreams, keep a dream diary and try connect the dots. Now I am just thankful for being able to sleep and watch movies at the same time. I’ve always been a very visual and creative person so its no wonder my brain can’t shut off. If only my hand could type while I’m sleeping coz then I would be pumping out some pretty awesome best selling novels!

I once slept with Johnny Depp. He’s my hall pass. I’ve been in love with him since the late 1980’s so to finally get a chance to shag him was pretty … well it was a dream come true or not really a dream come true more truthfully just a dream. Oh well better then thigh slicing with Shurikens! Hoping Channing Tatum might visit me next 🙂

Here’s some Johnny love to brighten your Friday…….

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One Love

DRK xxx