In the light of recent pregnancy comments about Princess Zara I was reminded of a lifetime of my own. As a mere ‘normal’ mortal, though, I am lucky not to have had my “is-she?-isn’t-she?” splashed across the internet and news feeds but I do wonder why there is this obsession with the woman body. I believe just like being “on a period” you should never ask a woman if she is pregnant. You should never ask when she is due and definitely never EVER have an opinion on her “baby” weight! We are women and weight is a very sensitive subject. It’s not hard though. Just keep your mouth shut.
I’m generally two from left – except my boobs are bigger – unless it’s been a few days since visiting the toilet then I am definitely more a three or four.
If you, like me, have ever been asked these questions, if you have ever been in that mortifying and uncomfortable situation don’t hide yourself away. Don’t feel ashamed. Don’t visualise punching them in the face – and please don’t actually punch them in the face! Instead have a comeback. A fucking witty comeback topped up with good dose of sarcasm so people learn that it is NOT ok to assess a womans body or to make assumptions that we can’t simply be a little voluptuous or god-forbid bloated without having to be up-the-duff. Lets face it for those of us who can conceive it is an awkward situation and, at worst, it’s a throw-the-outfit-in-the-bin-and-never-wear-it-again embarrassment but for those who can’t have babies then it is just a heartbreaking moment in their life… A question they would give anything to answer “YES!” to … A question and answer scenario they dream of, even when they are awake.
Lets raise the bar (or our eye level) and look at each other when talking together instead of analysing bumps and lumps. If you do feel the need to analyse bumps and lumps then do a breast check and by that I mean your own! Now doesn’t that seem much more important than insulting an unsuspecting and definitely not pregnant woman?!
OK so let’s talk about comebacks to particular questions. They must be delivered with shoulders back, head held high and a smirk on your face. No one needs to feel embarrassed in the skin they are in and typically, these questions come from people who mean well but lack any type of filter from brain to judgement to mouth.
Here we go………
Q1: How long have you got to go?
A: Well, I dropped a couple of laxatives a few of hours ago now so ummm any minute now I guess and then my five day old shit will be ready to explode!
Q2: Wow you must be ready to pop – how long now?
A: Oh no I’m not pregnant but hey looks like your arse is about to have twins – congrats!
Q3: Oh my god you’re pregnant… Congrats!
A: Yes but don’t tell my husband – it’s not his!
Q4: OMG so-and-so told me you were pregnant – congrats!!
A: Shit! Am I? I better lay off the tequila shots and cigars!
Q5: When’s this one due?
A: I was just about to ask you the same question!
Q6: OMG! Are you preggas?
A: No but the night is still young!
Q7: Look at that belly! How far along are you?
A: Well I’ve been brewing this massive fart all morning but unfortunately you’ll need more than gas to help that mouth of yours!
Q8: Are you up the duff?
A: No. My boobs are always this awesome!
Q9: Oooohhh (points to belly) what are you hoping for?
A: A puppy that can burp the alphabet
Q10: I can’t believe you’re pregnant again!
A: Actually I’m not. I have a condition called “Fuck-You” – Google it.
Only ever assume a women is pregnant if a) you have x-ray vision (which you should be careful with as it can be harmful to the baby) or b) you physically see that baby emerging from her body! Otherwise shove that foot firmly back into your mouth and never utter those words again to any woman ever?! Got it? Get it? Good!
Now some wise words from the always effervescent P!NK, the woman I adore and may even consider leaving my husband and children for….
Ahhhhh god I love her……