I recently blogged about sex and how it’s not always what it’s cracked up to be, especially in long term relationships. There is not always passionate sex and equal libidos…
Not all of the time.
Not for all couples.
The original post came with a warning to NOT read it if you were sensitive to dirty words or lacked a sense of humour… But sometimes people, lovely special people, don’t heed the warnings. And so these people – after reading my sarcastic, crude, tongue-in-cheek and well-warned post – decided to offer their advice to me about me and my “bratty western woman” behaviour. I really, truly value their opinion. Honestly, truly valued – thank you xx. In their opinions, I shouldn’t be married to anyone … ever, I really don’t deserve my husband, I’m a terrible, terrible wife and that, well, that I’m a disgusting human being … simply because I don’t want sex every day – sheesh I thought my average of three times a week was quite sufficient.
I’m smart enough to know that “some people” (you know who you are) get all defensive about these types of things (hmmm again the warning was there people) and it seems everyone takes everything personally these days. But all that really concerned me before I hit the “publish” button were the thoughts and feelings of the people who I actually have real feelings towards like my husband, my immediate family members and my good friends. So with this is the forefront of my mind I aired my naughtiest post ever! But in baby steps.
Step 1: I let my husband read it. Verdict: he has a sense of humour. He didn’t take it personally because he knew it was a collaboration of conversations with girlfriends over many years. His only concern was that our 18-year-old daughter might read it. She hasn’t and she doesn’t want to but she also wanted me to go ahead with Step 5 coz she, like me, was also born with a sense of humour. Gifted, all of us I tell you!
Step 2: I posted it privately and sent the link and password (it was ‘headache’ by the way which I thought was a nice touch) to a few of my closest friends. I sent it to them because we actually talk about this stuff – hell this is where I get most of my crude material from? Also, I wanted to gauge their reactions. Their reactions: Laughter, agreeability and support. Agreeability is such a nice word isn’t it but what they really said was “Fuck yeah!!! That is hilarious!! I totally get it! You need to share this!!!!” Yes, they said all that with all those exclamation marks too!
Step 3: I posted it publicly to my few hundred followers who initially at whatever stage followed me coz they ‘got’ me to a certain extent. They ‘got’ my dry and dirty sense of humour and could relate to my stories to some degree BUT I was prepared to delete if necessary. Their reactions: Again laughter, agreeability and support. In fact, I received many private messages and emails saying ‘thank you’. Thank you because nobody ever talks about this stuff and we feel we must pretend everything is perfect all of the time because our marriages are doomed, apparently, if we don’t feel like bonking our partners all day every day. If we don’t enjoy it, desire it, initiate it.
Step 4: I gave myself a pep talk… Well, actually I listened to an audible book by a successful writer who speaks about writing simply because you love to write. She speaks about writing for yourself not for others. She says when you write you have to do it with the realisation that you cannot, you will not be able to control anybody’s reaction to what you have written. That reaction belongs to them. My reaction to her talking about reactions: was to be brave. Marriage, Sex & a Genie was written lightheartedly and exaggeration was obvious (wasn’t it). My husband didn’t take it personally because a) it wasn’t and b) he’s married to me so he knows the truth about our sessions AND c) again … he has a sense of humour – which kinda seems to be an important missing ingredient here for some of you.
Step 5: Accept a ‘viral’ opportunity from a big blogging site (aka Huff Post <3) who are happy to post the risky but honest, albeit sarcastic-for-humour-purposes, post. Wow, thank god someone has a sense of humour in this world! Reaction: some crazy, aggressive, mother-fuckers!
For people who don’t know me, my husband or our relationship they’ve certainly been quick to judge which is fair game I suppose. But is it necessary to label me and call me names? They have even given my husband a permanent hall pass – he’s stoked thanks guys – and I was told by some lovely fellow, whom is probably very single, that I should stop breathing…. Yeow that was a bit harsh buddy – is Mrs Palmer cramping up? Oh and here’s a personal message just for you from me and the gorgeous Megan Fox…
While to me this all seems a little bit of an overreaction (or to those that wrote the comments, fair) there is a choice here for me. I can dwell on it, cry, beat myself up coz people don’t like me which, if I’m honest, I was tempted to do because that’s been ‘my thing’ all my life. You know, live in fear of not being liked and trying to keep everyone happy. OR my other option is that I can take it and leave it. This is what I have chosen to do. It’s that simple really. Read, delete, repeat.
I’ve learnt five things in this critical process:
1) a dry sense of humour is not shared by all.
2) people take shit really, really personally.
3) from a 980+ word “story” people think they know all there is to know about you and your relationship and whether you should live and breath or not.
4) you cannot control how other people react.
5) you are braver than you think. Even if it hurts.
I’m not going to apologise to the keyboard judge and jury – again you were warned not to continue reading. This type of shaming is why women or men – remember all relationships will suffer from some kind of libido imbalance at times, feel like they can’t talk about ‘it’. That they can’t talk about their low libidos or heavens-to-Betsy have a joke about their husbands persistently high libido. Shamed because people are quick to label us selfish, dud roots (yes someone actually called me that – someone who has never actually rooted me), terrible wives and to tell us our marriages are doomed. But that’s their opinion.
We are always, always on demand whether it’s the five hundred kids we have (see how I exaggerated there?), their billion teachers and sports coach appointments (and again), our never-ending household needs (dramatising), and most importantly our husbands. Sometimes we feel like we are always in demand. Kissing sore knees, wiping away sad tears, fixing, cleaning, sucking dick… So for us to want our bodies, our minds to ourselves for an hour, a day we are seen as selfish, spoilt brats? Really?!
Well to those on the same wavelength as me (I think there are a couple of you out there … Oh yes I see you.. Hi there!), to those that feel like they’d like a little “this-is-my-body-and-I’d-like-no-invasion-of-a-peen-today” let me support you. Ignore my hateful commentators (I have – they’ve been deleted) that try to make us feel ashamed for not feeling like getting down and dirty with sexy time all the time.
Here’s to not feeling like a ‘happy ending’ each and every night – oh unless that happy ending is watching your own TV show in peace while snacking on chocolate.
Here’s to the effort that we do make even when we don’t feel like it.
Here’s to “obligation sex” when hubbies flying out to his week-on shift, or flying in.
Here’s to being able to laugh about it with your girlfriends and to people with a sense of humour.
And finally here’s to feeling normal and not awful for having a headache, occasionally. And no aspirin will not fix it but a cuddle will. Just don’t poke me in the back with that ‘thing’, ok?
#findyoursenseofhumourdotcom #nexttimereadthewarning #yourreactionsucksdicks #hallpassesallround