This story starts with a diet. As a serial dieter it is something I almost forgot to mention since I am ALWAYS on a diet or an anti-diet making it kind of normal life for me. This diet is different because I finally succeeded. In fact, I kicked its butt losing 6kg in the first 3 weeks. As a reward to myself, and with a confidence boost from losing weight, I bought myself some denim shorts. Yes shorts and this is exciting because I don’t wear shorts normally. Why? Well, I believe I’m so hideously white and overweight that people would surely call the RSPCA to let them know an albino whale was walking down the main street in shorts. Then, I guess, the RSPCA would have to pass the call on to the circus coz the RSPCA will likely have never heard of a walking albino whale in denim! Oh, and then considering animal circus’s are pretty well extinct these days the chances are the circus crew would have to forward the call on to Nobody-Gives-A-Fuck because seriously I am wearing shorts and not a mankini made from chimp testicles. Nobody cares!
This story is on a Wednesday which of course means it’s WILD . My favourite day of the week. The day of my girly catch up. I’m kitted out in my new light blue denim shorts and a hot pink singlet top which is worth mentioning seeing as I normally I live in black clothing, universally known as a slimming colour. It is also associated with death and grieving – grieving my once hot and unappreciated body, post kids. This hot pink top is also worth mentioning because if you see me in colour it means I’ve probably lost weight so mention it, ok? Let it be known there’s nothing women love to hear more than “Have you lost weight?” So with 6kg gone and the first part of my diet finished this particular Wednesday was the day I was able to slowly introduce new foods back into my life. The critical part that I missed was the word ‘slowly’. After living on bland boiled protein and broccoli (I’m dramatising but it’s pretty much on point) I’d been super excited to eat my new flavours at breakfast … Fried mushrooms with a scrambled egg and when there’s WILD there is always at least one full cream latte! After missing out on my normal latte for 3 whole weeks I’d hopped into my creamy coffee with immense amounts of love, gratitude and skulling this special Wednesday morning! I’m also at this time, which is important to mention for the re-enactment of my story, recovering from knee surgery. Being my left knee and owning a manual car I’ve been picked up on this momentous day by my WILD friends who were also dropping me home once we were done at the park.
It is a beautiful morning. The sun is out, the kids are happily playing and I am with some of my favourite girls. The two hours we spend together come and go too fast as per usual making it time to pack up and head home for our kids to go to sleep. It is around then that my tummy starts to make some special kinds of noises. It isn’t worrying me initially since we are planning on leaving soon(ish) AND live in a City that is more like a country town meaning everything is literally 5 minutes away – including my house and my toilet. On the walk to my girlfriends car I begin noticing the stomach noises start to resemble that of an angry bear, on a hot day and you’re an unwelcome visitor in his woods. An angry bear that you have just poked in the eye with a fiery marshmallow on a stick. It also happens to be his stick. I am also becoming aware of tiny beads of sweat forming above my lip. I start to feel a sense of caution that I may actually be in trouble here.
Buckling my son into my friends car, I weigh up my options…
- A) Go to the toilet before we leave – even though I am a grown up and should realistically last the 5-minute journey home or;
- B) Possibly shit myself. Shit myself in front of my friend, in my new denim shorts and her lovely clean car.
The next gurgle urgently chooses the safest option for me. It is most definitely A)! I tell my friend, in the calmest manner possible, that I’m not going to make it all the way home and will have to ‘go’ before we leave… Five kids and a flea-sized bladder is always an unspoken excuse for random pit-stops. I’ve begun backing away from my son who was securely buckled into his carseat and now crying because he’d heard me say I was going somewhere. I’ve looked at him with a desperate and pleading look. “I’ll be back”, I’ve gritted unconvincingly through my teeth. Unconvincingly because depending on the outcome I may not come back as the same Mummy he knew before!
With every step comes a more urgent gurgle. The 80m to the toilet begins to look like a marathon of miles away and with a new surgically repaired knee running isn’t going to be an option. OMG! This news hits me like a tonne of anxiety-ridden-bricks … Running is NOT an option!!! The pain is beginning to feel unbearable and it takes every ounce of concentration to walk and squeeze my butt cheeks together at the same time. At my most critical moment, I’ve stopped at one of the cafes tables. I’ve gripped the round aluminium top with both my hands. I’m slightly bent over clamping my arse cheeks together tighter than a ducks arse which is waterproof! I’m hanging there stooped over only for a few moments, talking quietly to myself about how the outcome of this situation could consequently change my life forever. I’m sucking back a few deep breaths, I have to. I look up and realise there’s an older gentleman sitting directly in front of me. He and his dogs are looking at me. Concern? Fear? I’m not fucking sure. It’s in that millisecond it sinks in that I may not make it and that I could possibly shit myself right here and now. Shit myself in front of the man with two dogs whose sitting there judging me. Shit myself in front of the three ladies innocently serving coffee in the coffee shop and who will never look at me the same when they hand me my latte on a Wednesday. Shit myself in front of all the little children in the playground. Actually, that is slightly comforting considering they’re all probably walking around with a nuggy or two in their nappies anyway.
Eyeing off the loo which is now about 20m away, I’ve sucked in the deepest breath I can so all my concentration over the next 20 steps or so could go on clenching my bum instead of breathing. I’ve stood up straight, or as straight as my excruciating bowel pains will allow. It is now or it is never. I limp as fast as my dodgy knee can take me. 10m from the door I’ve started to unbuckled my shorts not caring if anyone can see me inappropriately prematurely undressing. The sweat is now on my forehead and dripping in my eyes. The waves of pain have become a constant churning of pure torture and it would only take one fleeting moment of relaxation of my clenching to spell disaster … And disaster would be spelt S-H-I-T-E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E! Momentarily a new panic sets in as thoughts flash through my mind of an occupied toilet. If the little sign on the door handle is red I’m screwed. Everyone. Is. Screwed…. What seems like an eternity later, my hands and eyes finally reach the door knob and with relief my pounding heart cries that the little sign is green! THE LITTLE SIGN IS GREEN…. THE TOILET IS VACANT! THANK YOU UNIVERSE!
I don’t know how long I spent in there. I don’t know how noisy I was. All I know was that at that time I did not give one fuck. I had made it. I HAD MADE IT! The relief was joyous! The next person’s public toilet experience maybe not so joyous!
So let this be a Happy New Year and a resolution to you all – let go of the shit that holds you back from what you want in life! The fear may still be there but if you let it, it will consume you and stop you from what it is you really want in life but if you ride the fear like a hardcore-bull-riding-superwoman you will get where you need to go – maybe not in style but you’ll get there none-the-less!