When you’re a thinker, like me, you are also a forgetter. You have so much thinking going on in your brain you can’t remember the thoughts of moments before. You are always starting “afresh” with a clear purpose so lying around the house are plenty of journals, notebooks and files with clearly stated goals and how to achieve them, to do lists, to don’t lists but then you turn the pages and there’s nothing else written. Maybe a little doodling – those unmanifested thoughts – possibly some Day 1 dieting and exercise information all written with good intentions. Being a thinker means you can think about your hated weight all day long while still thinking about the worries of your children, what they’ll grow up to be, what the hell is for dinner, whether to go left or right at the intersection, if your friend is really doing okay and what you’d write a novel about if you had time.
Being a thinker like me means you don’t live in your heart. And when you do “go there” it’s for other people’s journeys, their pains, hardly ever for yourself and when you do it’s because you have “thought” your way there. Being a thinker like me means you can cry deeply when your friends are in any type of emotional pain, rarely for our own. You talk about it but you don’t feel it. Sure you can still cry after an argument. You can hyperventilate to a friend about something that fucked you off. You can sob when you watch a sad movie whether it’s a true one or not but still your own story is emotionless. It’s “just a story” that you put on repeat.
When you are a thinker you forget to breath because breathing would cause you to relax. Breathing brings an opportunity from the neck down to open up. Opening up scares you. Opening up means you have to feel real stuff and feeling real stuff is scary. What if feeling real stuff means you lose it and never regain consciousness, hell worse still you become completely conscious and everything you’ve known life to be changes. What if those changes aren’t what you thought they would be.
Being a thinker means this post is just thoughts. It’s talking about feelings but not feeling those feelings. Being a thinker means feeling those feelings is rare.