When will I learn?! I have this terrible pattern and insane idea in my head which I generally think is new yet it leads down exactly the same pot-holed path as always. What did I do? Well I did the whole ‘I’m losing weight’ thing…. again (I can almost hear my Mums/BF’s eyes rolling from here).
You see I have this Gala event coming up that I have always wanted to go to but in my mind I had always envisioned myself getting ready for this event months in advance so I could lose weight, tone up and look amazing, oh and find the perfect dress – coz of course perfection exists. I wanted to transform like a celebrity who hasn’t been seen for awhile and then pops up on the Red Carpet all slim and different! Now I do know that I am not a celebrity no matter how many times I imagine having coffee with P!nk but I have always wanted to wow someone, anyone, with a little transformation of my own. SO when I got an invite to this ball and after I did my jaunty jig – a jaunty jig because I was so excited I almost peed myself, yes, pelvic floors, we are not friends – I realised I had 3 weeks to prepare. As in 21 days! So instantly my brain goes into overdrive! If I have envisioned myself at this ball looking better then ever for the past 8 years how am I going to achieve that within 21 days **insert Googling-like-mad here**. “Fastest way to lose weight in 21 days”; “Quickest weightloss in under 3 weeks”; “Can I survive on water for 21 days”…. Yes these are all things that I really and truly Googled and apparently I WILL be able to lose 10kg in 21 days by drinking water, cayenne pepper and maple syrup and … immmm … well…. that’s about it – oh and oxygen – I can still breathe oxygen! I may not be able to stand upright or to hold a conversation once I get to the night but hey I’ll look good right?!
And so I did. Yep I went out there I bought some lemons, cayenne pepper but I left out the maple syrup because surely I didn’t need those extra calories and yes my brain really does say that shit to me! I headed home that afternoon, with my next three weeks of supplies and all set for the ‘new me’ process to begin the very next day which, of course, meant I could finish off all the chocolate in the house prior to that happening…. C’mon I know you do it too!!
The morning arrived and I was all fired up – I even played the song – and yes Pat Benatar can make anyone fired up! I made my solution carefully converting the ounce measurements to litres though I may or may not have accidentally tripled the cayenne pepper by case of poor mathematics skills which meant every time I drank the concoction it would take my mouth a good half hour to quit burning (yep I was truly fired up!) The upside of too much cayenne pepper, yes there is one, is it makes you extra thirsty so you have to drink more, then it burns more, you get thirsty more, and well, just put that on repeat…. But…. Anyway I did it! 21 days and 10kgs gone! True as! Yep I really, really did! I am a completely transformed woman!!! I now have jutty out bones, no tits, and if theres more then 8 knots of wind (which includes my husbands force of flatulence) I fall over….. What? Why do you have that look on your face? You don’t seem to believe me?! Aarrggghhhh ok, ok I’m fucking lying! I lasted only 4. What? No, not days – 4 hours I mean!
The pivotal moment was when my friend came to visit me and I confided in her about my master plan. Her response? ……. Laughter! She text me later that day to say she had also received an invite and would need to lose 10kg in 21 days – I wanted to slap her because it sounded so ridiculous and then I realised she was mocking me. Bitch! Lucky I love her!
Now there are 16 days to go and still 10kgs to lose but you know what? I heard this awesome quote from a lady I am loving sick right now, Denise Duffield-Thomas … She said something along the lines of it doesn’t matter if paint a turd in gold and roll it in glitter its still shit and it stinks! The ‘looks’ thing that I involve myself in and the ‘ideal’ weight thing really is shit and it really does stinks! It does my bleached-blonde head in and if someone sits there judging me for my chubby arse and pregnant-with-an-oversized-donut-belly then I will paint them in gold and roll them into a glitter-covered turd.
As for me? Well, my road to body acceptance continues as does the burn in my mouth!