For 12 months now I have been saving for liposuction … Yep, seriously I have! The theory behind that was after having five kids I had a justifiable right to have my stomach synthetically returned to the way it was naturally BC (before children). I believed wholeheartedly in those 365 days – give or take – that liposuction would change my life dramatically. So dramatically, in fact, that most things in my life would improve…. Like I was certain that that little cannula would suck up my negativity and make me a happier person; inhale the frequently coarse ‘for-fuck’s-sake’ mantra I use so I’d be a nicer more patient mummy; and it would annihilate my low self esteem leaving instead an insane amount of confidence so I would be a hot and hornier-than-a-brass-band-at-band-camp wife for my husband. Ahhhh if only I could have an artificial rod inserted into slits of open skin while a doctor I don’t know intimately enough shoves it back and forth like a phallic symbol sucking up every little cell of fat that I, chocolate and hot chips created. Sounds romantic huh! But (thankfully) what I’ve come to realise through the success and failure of my 365 day ‘Weigh Less Challenge’ is that the only thing wrong with me is the way that I speak to myself and about myself. Internally and externally.
A few posts ago I started off by saying “I hate myself. I really, really do.” and at that very moment and many moments before and after that one it was really very true. So true that I just didn’t want to be here anymore. I wanted to pack up and move away by myself in a far away land where nobody could find me. A place I would never be able to return from. I believed I was not good enough to be here. Not as a wife, mother, daughter or friend. But life has a funny way to interrupt you and make you see sense of things no matter how bad and that interruption was through my Godparents. Now my Godfather is hardly an Al Capone type and my Godmother doesn’t sprinkle fairy dust everywhere but nevertheless we have a powerful connection of gangsta/fairy dust sorts. So when they pulled me up on this post of mine I was shocked to see that they were shocked. I’ve always assumed that people could see through the smiles, jokes and general conversations I had. I assumed they could hear the internal beatings I would give myself
daily hourly every minute of every day – after all that was the only thing I could hear. Their expressions were a big reality hit for me. They weren’t offended or embarrassed by me but they were troubled that I felt so horribly about myself. That moment, that short conversation that I suspended as soon as I could, made me realise writing these honest, red-cape-retired posts can be upsetting and shocking to people in my life. It doesn’t make me want to stop writing – I am here to be honest. It doesn’t make me want to edit my thoughts and feelings either but instead it’s given me a little insight into the way the world sees me. Which is very different from how I see myself, they are two very VERY contradictory things. I knew then someone had to be wrong. And when I looked at myself honestly I became very aware that my world was spinning out of control and I was allowing it …. In fact, I was spinning that motherfucker myself!
In this world (or mine at least) everyone bangs on about natural living yet every second person has had botox, implants, tummy tucks or lipo but for me there is no amount of liposuction, breast uplifting, nose reductions or skin treatments that will change me. An unnatural physical change is not a natural mental change. Using something synthetic is not going to help me feel the most natural things in the world – like happiness, self-love, internal beauty. I have been one of those people who have tried every diet, every pill, every potion, bought every book and fell for every scam. There is only one reason they don’t work for me and that is because my lack of self-love sabotages every effort. Let’s be honest – they all work! There is not, and never will be, a pill, potion or diet that I actually need to get me to where I want to go. The only liposuction I do need is one that will suck all the ‘poor me’ negative bullshit out of my brains way of thinking. So, while I wait for that magic sucking-the-negative-shit-out-of-the-brain machine to be invented I will find my own way and I’m taking the leap! A giant big foot leap into the world of my mind. A place where I need to heal myself, reprogram how I speak to me, set a goal for happiness not the perfect number, to look at where I’m at, glance at where I’m going and never look back at where I’ve been – unless it is to pat myself on the back and say “Hey Girl – you friggen rock! Look how far you’ve come!”. I will focus on where I am right now and not where everyone else is, it’s not a race I do not have to catch up. I will learn to love me the way my family and friends love me and learn to accept and embrace my body in all its feminine glory – jiggly belly, floppy titties and all! My journey starts today. A winding road, I’m sure, with mountains to climb, pitstops, beautiful scenery but all in all an enlightening journey to a happier destination.
In a world where image seems to mean everything I choose not to follow. I choose to turn my back on society for all its unnatural desires and images and instead I choose love. I choose radiance. Inner to outer. Whose up for some of that bright sparkly shit?! Say HELL YEAH!