Nothing stops for pain. Nothing stops for sadness. Know matter how deep and uncontrollable the grief you feel is the world keeps spinning, it keeps on turning, everyone else keeps on living. Faces keep smiling, there are bills to be paid, jobs to do, there is still the untouched laughter of friends around you and continued celebrations which can seem insignificant. And while in this state of grief all of that seems unfair. In fact, sometimes it hurts more. People around you continue on. They support you but they don’t understand who you are right now. They don’t know what to say. They don’t know how to make the pain you feel go away just to have the old you back. And it feels unfair. Its unfair to them. Its unfair to you.
When people die grief is left with us earth bound survivors. When they leave this earth they are free. They are still with us so they do not hurt the way we do and our grief really, really fucken hurts. It cuts deeper than any physical pain you have ever experienced and from that insane pain you become profoundly empathetic towards others. It makes you more sensitive in a much stronger way. It makes you understand those people who still grieve 20 years on for their loved one. 20 years – such a long time and people think you get over it – totally and wholly. But that expectation of seeing their face, of hearing their voice, of remembering their laugh or the desire to know who they would have been now or to have them wrap you up in a hug never, ever goes away. No, not ever.
Grief feels insurmountable at times and even as the pain of the loss lessens, the loss of their physical presence doesn’t. There is always a vacant spot in the room even if all the chairs are filled. There is always the glance at the door as it opens with a split second thought that it is them. There’s always a conversation when their name comes up and just momentarily you talk about them in present tense. But when the sadness rolls through you again, and it does regardless of the time that has passed, you do become stronger to deal with it. Stronger for having known them. Stronger from the lessons you learnt from their living and their passing. Stronger because that is the only way to keep on going.
What I have learnt is time here is just that … Time. It is short and in time we all will be reunited. Time is all that this is. Time to cry, to feel pissed off, to grow stronger, to heal, to accept, to move on. Time to grow, to live, to learn, to reach out, to be filled with gratitude for the time you had together. Time to love and forgive yourself for those moments in time with them you can’t get back. Time you took for granted… But time is ours right now, time to not take for granted with those still here with us. And during this time I am with you. I am holding you hand in a way only others who feel this way can.
Sending all my love to the beautiful women in my life who have lost loved ones, there are many of you, unfortunately, and love and gratitude to those from my life that I miss.