I love my husband. I really, really do. I cannot imagine my life without him. I know, without any doubt at all, that he is the person I will spend the rest of my life with, call me corny, call this is cliche but being married once before I do know this time I am on to a keeper! And you know what? That makes me happy, really super contentedly happy. It gives me a feeling of certainty that that part of my life is all safely sorted. Its mapped out for a pretty stable future and out of all the uncertainties that life can throw you I know the relationship part is going to be OK.
And now you’re waiting for it aren’t you though?
You’re waiting for that infamous word that comes after someone dribbling shit like I just did …. Yes, it’s that beautiful word – BUT …..
This is also a big butt….
Of course there is a ‘but’! I’m no la-di-fucking-da chick who believes in fairytales! I didn’t write this post completely sober and so completely in gaga land that I couldn’t share the truth with you! Life would be completely boring if all my husband and I did was LOVE and ADORE each other! So it’s not just a little ‘but’ – its actually a really massive BUT! Its a huge pain in the butt and its an even bigger ‘but’ than Kim Kardasians (which is hot BTW)! Uh-oh I feel a song coming on…..
“I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can’t deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung!
Wanna pull up tough
’cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she’s wearing
I’m hooked and I can’t stop staring
Oh, baby I wanna get with ya
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got
Makes me so horny
Ooh, rump of smooth skin
You say you wanna get in my benz
Well use me use me ’cause you aint that average groupie…”
So anyway what is the ‘but’?
Well, this is it…. I love my husband, I want to spend the rest of my life with him BUT how the hell do you do that? How do you stay married for forever? I’ve often wondered when I see those couples together for 60+ years how they did it and where the heck their medal was hiding. I hope they have one – they totally deserve something shiny! But seriously, how do you spend an entire lifetime with the same human being who can piss you off one minute and then make you weak at the knees the next? He makes you laugh so hard you almost pee your pants (ok so maybe I sometimes, occasionally, rarely yet frequently do), then has you crying a million frustrated tears coz your sensitive feelings got hurt, only for him to come along moments later and wipe them away with a loving hand (ahem, well maybe he actually gives me a hug and I wipe my tears and snot on his shirt – that’s true love right?!). He drives me crazy on a
very, very regular basis but he is the only person in the world who can make me mad and make me smile all within moments of each other, in fact sometimes I can have steam coming out of my ears while tears of laughter are streaming down my face. It makes sense that our theme song for our relationship (a.k.a our ringtone for each other) is “True Love” by P!NK ….. Here’s a few of the lyrics for those of you crazies that don’t know my beloved P!NK – because with a title like that it could sound a little mushy!
“Sometimes I hate every single stupid word you say
Sometimes I wanna slap you in your whole face
There’s no one quite like you
You push all my buttons down
I know life would suck without you
At the same time, I wanna hug you
I wanna wrap my hands around your neck
You’re an asshole but I love you
And you make me so mad I ask myself
Why I’m still here, or where could I go
You’re the only love I’ve ever known
But I hate you, I really hate you,
So much, I think it must be
True love, true love
It must be true love…….”
But somehow we belong in this imperfect world where a relationship doesn’t mean we have to be a ‘perfect’ couple. We don’t have to agree on everything. We don’t have to pretend we never argue and that we love everything the other person does… Coz I don’t. Want an example? The way he eats. Honestly, he chews like a cow on speed and is as loud as a jackhammer in a library! Which is so, so incredibly loud! His teeth bang together and I wonder how on earth they haven’t all broken and fallen out of his mouth! During our meals together that is all I can hear! Like a dripping tap or a ticking clock – you don’t hear til someone points it out and then you can never ‘unhear’ it – but this noise is even worse coz it’s loud like an elephant tiptoeing through your living room – and that living room happens to be in your ears! I’ve been hearing it 3 times a day for 7 years (ok I’m grossly over exaggerating that part)! But hey, I can’t just make this a one-sided argument! I’m not perfect either. I sneeze like someone has shoved a locomotive with a cold up my arse – a-choo-choo train – get it? ………….. I also tell bad jokes! Anyway when I sneeze the walls shudder and I don’t ever sneeze just once. It’s always at least 3 times but more often you’ll get 20 out of me! And let me tell you, the myth about having an orgasm after 7 sneezes is a just that – a myth! It is likely after five kids you may pee your pants a little, not quite an orgasm but at least your pants still get wet!
What I do know and what I do understand about relationships is that it takes work and considering the workforce retiring age will be 100 by the time I grow up, ‘working’ in a relationship and for a person you love and admire, who makes you better and makes you grow for 60+ years ain’t so bad. It’s more than a life sentence but at least we get to hang out with our own special inmate and we don’t have to wait for conjugal visits…. Winning!!!
Share your relationship secrets with me….