*Be aware some of this information may offend! So I am going to launch straight into my disclaimer here .. I am a woman therefore I know nothing of the real (or unreal) pain of a vasectomy. I cannot claim to have ever been kicked in the balls or have had a needle jab into my lady parts. I am not a doctor or a person with any medical knowledge – unless I can claim the fact I helped my constipated 7 month old baby deliver a rather large not-so-gold nugget??…. I also do not have any superpowers that helps me to understand or to feel another’s physical pain, especially that of a man’s but…….
Whoever said you should grow some balls was waaaaayyyy off! Nursing my husband through his post-op vasectomy has been … well interesting. Day one saw him feeling pretty good. Of course I waited on him hand and foot (and ball sack), he deserved that at least. He has had the past 24 hours of meals delivered to him in bed – whatever his tastes desired. He has slept pretty much for two days straight and today, on the third day, he is back in bed after a hard hour driving and eating a steak burger. Don’t get me wrong I am totally empathetic to his pain. Its surgery after all and its surgery on bits in-between his legs – discomfort plus and I feel sorry for him! But I am also empathetic because I have had 5 watermelons apparently, in his opinion, fall out of my Va-Jay-Jay. Five crying watermelons who needed feeding on bleeding crusty nipples, swaying for 24 hour periods and who just about forgot to let go of my insides as they were coming out. Oh, did someone forget my breakfast/lunch/dinner in bed? Oh never mind dear, let me cup those balls for you…
This aside, I did have a few questions about vasectomy’s and what ‘things’ might be different after having one done, besides the obvious fact that I am now able to walk past his jocks without falling pregnant. But in my search I came across a men’s forum on getting the snip and it is fair to say I learnt a few things I never knew before and now can’t unlearn! Like the fact they refer to their semen as prostate snot. Did a little bit of vomit just enter your mouth too? Makes me gag and not in a good way you dirty buggers! Another interesting item of discussion was the pet name for their billions of litres of sperm…. They call it crotchfruit! My babies are crotchfruits? Hmmm sounds exotic….
What I found more than anything though is that there seems to be a level of ok-ness about being whinging little girlie-mans after a vasectomy, no offence ladies! Somewhere on the very blank pages in the Brotherhood Code of Conduct is a short sentence on this type of procedure, which is rated pretty highly and is looked upon by the brotherhood as the worst kind of surgery a man can have, besides penectomies (yes, penis amputations). While he has had a ball(or two) ache for a few days I have developed a massive headache which, between his ache and mine, we are guaranteeing the shareholders of Panadol are in good wealth for many years to come. And yet, in the midst of his pain and suffering, somehow he can’t wait to get one away – I kid you not!!! It definitely has me questioning how painful it really is! I’m pretty sure sex was the furtherest thing from my mind after having that minor thing called CHILDBIRTH! Is this even comparable? It’s always about the complex issue of it being their “manhood”, giving us reason to believe our “womanhood” does not exist or is less important. Yet while Dr Genital conducted his minor operation on the most important part of a man’s body EVER, EVERY part of a woman’s body goes through some form of pain and transformation for at least 9 months and then god knows how many hours just to push that crotchfruit not out of his crotch but ours! Damn that prostate snot deserves to be cut off from any future dealings! I’m happy to tell those happy little buggers that there is a road closure ahead, yep its a dead end and they are stuck in groundhog day for five days or so before they are absorbed back into the body. It’ll be the most confusing five days of their lives poor little buggers!
So for all of those brave men out there that have had the snip – congratulations! You did it! Now toughen up and grow a vagina 🙂
One love ladies – keep looking after those
balls boys 🙂