It’s been 16 days since my little footsies have touched the plastic-metal-square-numbered thingy. It’s been 16 days without any double digits burning into my eye sockets and depleting the last of my poor self esteem atoms. 16 long and wonderful days…. Wonderful because I’ve eaten when I was actually hungry. I’ve eaten what I actually felt like eating – good or bad – and I’ve become super aware of how different foods actually make me feel. Not feel as in the guilt or shame I once felt because the scales had told me I was already fat that morning but feel as in the massive sugar comedowns and the feeling that someone has shat in my mouth from all the unknown agents in packaged food. Let me tell you when you become food aware you realize those unknown agents sure can shit and it tastes really fucking bad!
So for 16 days (plus the few additional weeks of ‘Christmas Spirit’ before that) I’ve inhaled foods I wouldn’t normally on such a regular basis and I’ve enjoyed every second of the freedom. People are telling me how great I look because I’m happy and I don’t question their motives when once upon ago it was one of my biggest “over-thinking” items in my catalogue of overthinking things.
I feel lighter without all the mental baggage but in truth I know I would still have a melt down if I stood on that numbered bitch today because she would still define me by a number. This is the reason this is a 365 day challenge and not a two week challenge because nothing has changed except the way I feel about myself without the numbers. But this new feeling needs to set, like concrete, before a scale should ever tell me anything ever again.
So as part of my (mental) transformation I’ve sold all of my “motivational” pants and tops – you know the ones? They’re the pants that you try on and they’re a little tight but you get them anyway coz “one day” you’ll fit in them. They’ll be a great motivation, you think. They’ll encourage you to make healthy eating choices and to exercise every day. Big news people PANTS CANT TALK! They do not have a voice. They will not tell you that your bum does indeed look big in them and to get that arse moving now before you spilt them right down the middle! And, now that I’ve realised they won’t actually talk to me I can say, for me personally, that they haven’t been motivational at all! They just tell me that the outfit a size too small gives me a muffin top. Yet, shockingly, in the right size clothes there is no muffin top at all. Now put that on a magazine cover – “Lose your muffin top in three minutes! Guaranteed!”
16 days is only a small amount of time when taken from 365 but they are small steps in the right direction for a much more fulfilling life. Hell I’m even inspiring myself with how I’ve changed! Now that’s something to write about!