I’m having an affair….
Yes, it is love but it’s a different love than I share with my husband… Speaking of my husband, it’s not a secret – he knows all about it. He’s ok with it. Actually he’s probably more than just ok with it because as a traditional man with old school values, he thinks it’s a necessary attribute a stay at home superwife should have. So, yeah, I am in love … With my vacuum cleaner. There! I’ve said it … Out loud … For the world to hear! What’s that? You don’t understand what I am trying to say? Let me repeat it for you slowly … I’M. IN. LOVE. MY. VACUUM. CLEANER. Yep, I’m coming out of the laundry closet to declare my love and commitment for my DC54 Dyson!
As a real Superwoman I certainly don’t love all my chores but if there was any one chore in the whole housework world that I had to do for the rest of my life I would choose vacuuming, it wins hands down! Even when I win Lotto and I hire myself a full-time cleaner the contract will state they are NOT to vacuum – that’s for me to do! Unlike washing! Every little aspect of it bugs me! Loading the dirty, stinky clothes and then hanging them out just because the big fat white machine beeped at me and told me to! I hate the constant – new-item/hang/peg-on/new-item/hang/peg-on *yawn* cycle. But it’s still not over coz then those bloody things dry! So it becomes the peg-off/fold-clothes/put-into-basket/peg-off/fold-clothes/put-into-basket over and over again. And then! AND THEN you still have to take it all back inside and iron those squillion little pieces of clothing and from recent posts you know how great I am at that! This is the one and only time I ever think I’d possibly be happy living in a nudist’s camp! Isn’t it the most mundane task in the world?! Unlike vacuuming… Vacuuming has instant results!
I especially love the sound of those big items getting munched – it’s a cheery little noise don’t you think?! Like Lego. Have you ever stepped on a piece of Lego? Then you’ll know what I mean when I say that shit really hurts! I hate the little rogues but I love it when I get my revenge and suck those buggers into the cyclonic barrel…. The sound is pure joy. Sometimes when I am feeling really naughty I delay the Lego retribution like I’m a gunslinger from a western movie ready for a fast draw! I’ll take a moment before settling the score, building the suspense I think to myself “Do my boys really need that piece of Lego?”; “Do I need to bend down and pick it up?” But then it’ll dawn on me … If it truly was such an integral piece in the Lego construction world it wouldn’t be there lying on the floor now would it? Then it happens… clinkedly-clink-clinkedly-clink-clinkedly-CLANK! He’s gone! And there he sits in the translucent bagless cylinder where we can all still see him! You want him? You go get him!
But do you know the very best thing about a vacuum cleaner? No – you’re still not with me are you? Well it’s the sound! That soothing hum of white noise that drowns everything else out – vital when you live with a small community of freakishly loud individuals that some people may call children. It’s well known in this household not to mess with this Superwoman when I have a loaded vacuum cleaner in hand. Whinge, whine, ask over and over and over again for a lolly – go on I dare you – I can’t hear you anyway! Now isn’t that just paradise!
Whose with me on this? Or is there another chore I should know about that is lovable?