I found this document today as I was browsing through my computer. It was written during the waiting period from a High Risk diagnosis of my 12 week pregnancy test to my amniocentesis. Looking back with a lot more clarity I can honestly say that I knew all along something wasn’t right. I think I knew right from my first positive pregnancy test. Call it mothers instinct or gut instinct, coincidence whatever I just knew something didn’t feel right….
“I see it as clear as day. I just opened my eyes and there it is in all its energetic glory, just waiting, patiently, for me to wake up and see it. For some time now the darkness has been all-encompassing and it’s been hard to see anything at all except for the make-believe shadows appearing in and out of the darkness. You know the formula though – it’s been said a million times before – there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Well fortunately for me the long winding tunnel seems to be coming to an end and the light is now infusing itself into the very core of my being. I don’t even bother to look around, especially not behind, as I know that will not do me any good, also because I am a little frightened that the darkness might try and pull me back in.
I’ve been waiting, we’ve been waiting, weeks! Six long weeks to be precise. Or 42 days, 1008 hours or 60480 minutes for the results. Waiting all this time has become some scary internal rollercoaster ride I didn’t want to get on in the first place. Yet here I am sitting white knuckled – gripping on to anything and everything in complete and utter fear and frustration at how on earth I ever came to be here. All the while I am praying to a God, any God, to stop the ride. I am begging for it to stop! All I’ve been able to do is close my eyes and silently scream because my breath has been taken away and my voice is lost within me. I know that no matter how hard I scream for the ride to end the rollercoaster-ride-controller isn’t going to stop just for me because the whole damn world is on the ride with me.
Looking back I am amazed I have come through this relatively unscathed. I can look in the mirror and to anyone else in the world I look the same. Possibly only affected with deeper and darker circles under my eyes and a few extra grey hairs lurking beneath the bleached blonde hair but both can be rectified. Now we only have 2 days to go and we will know, know for sure (though there are no 100% guarantees with anything anymore and if, in the unlikely case there is, it usually comes with a 247 page contract on the conditions that apply*). It’s actually less than 2 days; it’s precisely just 42 hours until we find out which way our path is headed. Either path isn’t that pretty or easy but at least we can clear the shit along the way and not trip up too much.
You would think with all the technology available in today’s society that waiting for results would be a 2 minute affair but it isn’t and waste my energy complaining about it is too much time and energy wasted. I don’t feel I have much left in me but I know there is light surrounding me now and I believe it is time to embrace and not fear the unknown. Our little boy will be born alive on earth or born with wings to take him to heaven and for each moment left together as one and for each moment longer together with me I am truly grateful. He has chosen me to carry him in this world for as long as he sees fit and if the results show he chooses not to stay long then it will be ok. We will be ok. He will be ok. I will be ok.
(Written before my amniocentesis for Chevy)”
During our amniocentesis we were told our ‘bean’ was a boy, that he hadn’t developed properly leaving his bowels outside of his body. This, put together with our initial blood tests results, all pointed to a diagnosis of Trisomy 18. Meaning he would likely die inutero or not live long after birth. To say we were devastated is an understatement. I remember walking to the car after the amnio. My husband started the engine and then he broke down. I had never seen this man cry before … ever… and with my own heart breaking I made the call to my parents to let them know the results. It was the most pain filled moment my heart had ever felt.
But I haven’t chosen to post this story on Christmas Eve to make people feel sad. I have posted it because we had a happy ending. Happier than we could of ever thought possible. On January 21st, after my placenta had stopped functioning, I gave birth to a beautiful boy all 2.1kg (4lb 10oz) of him. He was born with an Omphalcele, Hypospadias and two holes in his heart. But he is now a healthy, normal, almost-four-year-old who is sweet, kind and the love of our lives. I’ve chosen to post this because sometimes when unhappy people, for whatever reason, see so much happiness around them it can sometimes make the darkness seem darker and more fearful. Thats how I felt. I could feel the world still turning beneath my feet and watching the lives of my family and friends still be filled with happiness and joy had left me feeling beaten. But with time things change. The darkness softens and if you open your heart a little ray of light can become a big warming beam of light which can then pierce the darkest corners of your world.
So to those who are truly happy please keep your own hearts open and remember this is the time of giving – not of presents but of presence. Someone may need you more than you know. And to those in the darkness, hold on, we are coming to get you – we have our torches and we have our hearts full of love, we cannot save you but we can show you the way.