Puppeteers, Tennis and My Dirty Red Knickers

I am a Superwoman whose defined herself by her past. Whether its by guilt or by shame I’m a complex form of webs and lines that I’ve tangled into a knot. I have moments of enlightenment and peace where I can say I’ve forgiven myself, that I have moved on and have accepted that version of me. Sometimes I will find myself saying, out loud, that I’m ok with all the highly stupid things I did, with the crazy often dangerous choices I made but deep down I’m really saying “Are you serious? Get yourself a tissue you’re dribbling shit all over the place!” Just because I say it doesn’t mean I believe it – I’m still in the trying-to-convince-myself phase.

Being from a relatively small city first impressions can last a lifetime. It can feel like it is holding you back from moving on with the rest of your life, like you’ve been strung up like a puppet where those people who only remember the ‘you‘ from the past become your puppeteers. In fact it’s like a game of tennis but it’s always 40-love – they’re winning… It begins when they hit the ball filled with judgments and assumptions, it’s coming directly for you so your reaction is immediate and your inner warrior and defense mechanisms are activated. You swing and you hit the ball back as mighty as you can …. And so the game begins and then continues until someone puts the racket down and walks away …. There have been many times when I’ve made the decision to stop playing. Where I’ve put it down and walked away. But damn if that game is not addictive!

Realistically though the only game being played is a guilt game… With myself. One where I am convinced that they actually have a valid point of view and that their opinion of the naughty selfish girl from the past still exists. In all honesty it’s none of my business what they think, if they think that at all. I can’t say sorry to the world for the rest of my life for being a rebellious teenager. It really is a ridiculous game I’ve been playing for such a long time. The decisions I made back then essentially made me who I am today – that I am grateful for not embarrassed about.

My biggest regrets lie in not being a better sister and for not telling my brother I loved him before he died – but then love isn’t a word it’s a feeling and no matter what beliefs I have in the afterlife or heaven and earth I know without any doubt that he would of felt my love. He would known that even though it was unsaid my love was there. It always was, it always will be.

I am a Superwoman but I bleed all the same. My heart hurts and I have made many mistakes. But being a Superwoman means you’ve had to experience the bad to truly understand and be grateful for the good. You’ve had to rip your cape a few times on the fall from grace but it’s nothing a needle and thread won’t fix. And so another journey of self forgiveness enters my life and I’m going to hitch my dirty red knickers up a little higher and a little prouder! Damn it’s like dental floss in there but I’m proud of where I came from and who I’ve become and so should all of you!

One love,
DRK xxx

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